my piece of humble pie

Post written while "out of commission" that I feel led to share now =)

I have to admit that I threw quite a tantrum Sunday night. I sat Sunday afternoon, quite upset, after spending all day at Church trying to find someone to watch our 16mo old for a few hours while I went to work. Finding a permanent babysitter a mere 10hrs/week has been quite a difficult struggle, and week-to-week, it's gotten tougher and tougher. So I am doing the dishes on Sunday and basic housework, pouting-- mostly to myself-- and whining before the Lord.

"I've babysat so many times before. You'd think I'd sown enough seeds to be able to reap babysitting when I need it."

"This is what I'm talking about Lord, I'm hidden. No one sees nor cares.  No one's willing to live community style and sacrificially. I'm the only one."

"I'm so over everything and everyone... Why do I even try?"

Wha, Wha, Whaaa!

Then, in the midst of a quite the ungrateful, whiny, bratty heart, I feel His voice whisper to me... "Nicole, what is this situation revealing about your own heart?"

... Aaaand cue mortified, repentant heart.

"Yes Lord. I'm a whiny, ungrateful brat. Yikes! I'm sorry. You are good. You are still so very good.  I don't love You for what You do, but for who You are. You are Holy and Perfect; You are Love and You are good! Please forgive me.  I am so ungrateful before you."

Then I start to list everything I'm thankful for.

About 15mins later I get a text... The babysitter we'd originally really wanted agreed to spend some time with our littlest- and she'd bring her sister.

Score! "You really are good God."

About 35 minutes later, a friend who normally doesn't call is ringing my phone.

"Did you find a babysitter? I know that [enter man name here]'s a guy and all, but he offered to watch her for you in the Prayer Room. I told him how frustrated you were and he offered right away."

Be still my heart. Someone[s] really does care.

The next day, all goes well and my day is filled with peace knowing my little one was well taken care of.

I get a text-- "Do you care if other people do your laundry?"

Because, of course, my laundry room AND bedroom were ridiculously loaded with dirty laundry. Ummmmmm....

"No, but please don't!" I reply. I'm mortified she'd even see how horrible our laundry room was. Bleh.

I come home from work to a spotless house (even cleaner than I'd left it-- because yes, it was clean!). I see her swapping out a load from washer to dryer. Oy. Ok, ok. One load.  We get to chatting and I'm so grateful to her.  She leaves, I sit and play with the littlest and then go into our bedroom.

Oh. My. Gosh.

What the Husband and I had left in total dissarray was now immaculate. There were absolutely no clothes anywhere, besides on our bed, folded. That same bed was made, the floor vacuumed, and the furniture dusted. Dear Jesus. Be still my heart.

I didn't know what to think first... Horrific Mortification or Jubilant Rejoicing.

This is the kind of stuff I thought only happened to other people-- wow. Someone[s] cares.  But dear God, how humiliating. My room was a mess. I mean, pig-sty mess. (Listen, we were recovering from a sick baby...)

So, right on cue, pregnant hormones go into overdrive and I start to cry-- hysterically.  Because I'd just eaten a big ol', fat ol' piece of that good ol' recipe of Humble Pie. And man was it BI-tter going down. Mmmm.

Just the day before, I'd been ungrateful and complaining of just about everything. Finances, babysitter, husband, blah, blah, blah.  And here I stood, having had my feet washed and dried after walking a mile in my own dung.

"Dear God, you really are good. How much I am in need of You!"

It is amazing how much one simple random act of kindness (and service) can break and annhiliate pride in an individual.  Am I serving that way?  Is my lifestyle declaring His goodness to those around me?  Is my service being used to annhiliate whatever may hinder love in someone else? Dear God, I have a long way to go. But man am I thankful that You are good and You walk with me all the way.

my inheritance

"This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. The LORD's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion' says my soul, 'therefore I have hope in Him.' The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, to the person who seeks Him. It is good that he waits silently for the salvation of the LORD. It is good for a man that he should bear the yoke in his youth."
-- Lamentations 3:21-27

It will forever baffle me to think of a perfect God being ever merciful and every compassionate. It baffles me to think that in His Holiness He is never angry or frustrated with me. That even though I lose my temper with my children, He doesn't. That even though I miss the mark again and again and again, He still waits patiently for me and delights in every movement of my weak, broken heart.

This season has been hard. I mean, really. It's been a hard, tough, broken season where I've had no choice but to learn to lean on Jesus (not that you could tell by the "upbeat" posts I've consistently been putting up...). Most days, I get by and lean on His kindness and I worship and I pray and I know that He is at the center of my home and my family. And then, days like today, I shrink back to that old self and bury myself in Lifetime movies (and whoa is that like 10 steps back... I hate Lifetime movies!), get nothing done and carefully calculate my every failure as a wife and a mom.

I lose my patience with my ten month old (as though it's her fault) and then I come online to blog about it.

But then, I read passages like Lamentations 3, and I have to take a moment to breathe (and to patiently shush my ten month old who's crying out for my attention) and remind myself that His mercies are new every morning. That regardless of whatever may come, I have hope in Him. And ultimately, He is my portion.

In the Hebrew, the word used for "portion" here is khay-lek also translated into allotment, flattery, inheritance. The Lord God is my inheritance. He is mine and I am His. He is my source of value and strength. And despite what I did today, His mercies will be new tomorrow.

And reminding myself of that really makes me not want to have to wait until tomorrow (gramatically speaking, I just shot that sentence, but you get the drift).

I choose now.
I choose to be weak but strictly in His embrace.
I'll be broken, but only in His Presence.
I choose my inheritance; that man Christ Jesus...

an insignificant yes is a mighty battle to win

Sigh.

Today wasn't a great day. Not practically nor relationally speaking. My house is still a mess, laundry's still not done and truthfully I have quite the headache. I have no desire to press forward in this homemaking journey and I have no desire to change that.

On a day like today, I normally would've up given up before the day even started and mindlessly lost myself in television and pity. Sadly this is true. However today, although I didn't get as much done as my little mind would've wanted to do, I said yes in the most insignificant of ways and did all I could to push myself out of lethargy and laziness.

I said yes to His Word; "His grace is sufficient for me."
I said yes to my husband; I cooked a very small, simple meal when everything inside me wanted to just order Chinese takeout from the restaurant across the street (to which he would've obliged, I'm sure)
I said yes to my daughter; I spent *a little extra* time with her during bath time (her very favorite time of the day) and chased her around the house.
I said yes to my God-given ministry; I did the dishes, picked up the toys around the house and will be folding a load of laundry during our favorite show (SYTYCD, hoorah!)
I said yes to the prompting of the Holy Spirit and took care of my temple; I took an extra 10 minutes for myself and got dressed and beautified before starting the bulk of the day.

They're not major victories. I haven't necessarily done an outstanding job at anything today. Should you walk into my house at the moment, you might wonder what I did all day. And truthfully, I'm ok with that.

I spent my day today gaining inches in the Kingdom of God knowing that His Spirit is at work within me. Saying yes sometimes in the most insignificant of ways is all we can manage in a day. And you know what? That's ok. I'm learning in this pursuit of becoming the Shulamite Homemaker that it's not always about how clean and organized we can get our home (although, praise Jesus that's a good goal to have!) but it's about giving Jesus our everything--including our weaknesses.

My weakness is consistency. My weakness is a hyper-emotional heart. It is pushing through days like today.

And I'm doing it. By His grace only; by His mercy... but you know what Beloved? I'm doing it!

What are some of your weaknesses that stand in the way of productive days? In what ways have you said yes to Jesus lately?

on dripping, moodiness and repentance

Drip! Drip!

See, I have this thing with a close group of girlfriends and we have created a gentle rebuke to be said in public (and sometimes even during private conversations) when we are in any shape, way or form being disrespectful, dishonoring or in any way negatively impacting our husbands.

"A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day." -- Proverbs 27:15

We're still learning this 1 Peter 3, Galatians 5, Titus 2, Proverbs 31 business. So we keep one another accountable.

And yes, I heard this all day. And I quite literally mean all day.

You know that little, subtle, ever-so clear voice we love to unlike to hear sometimes; yeah, that one. The voice of The Holy Spirit. Yeah, He was speaking all day long.

But they weren't tender mercies. Well, not like butterfly-giving tender mercies. I got the other kind; the "get-off-your-moody-high-horse-and-serve-your-husband" kinda tender mercies.

Yepp. All.day.long.

I had intended for it to be a good, motivational day. Yeah.

And then somewhere between leading a prayer watch (which focuses on families and marriages mind you) and getting home to do my chores for the day, something went awfully wrong and I truly became an annoying, dripping faucet.

My dear husband, on a day like today would have avoided the wrath of me, but-- as God would have it--for the sake of my character building, he was home. And he was sick!

Poor man. Thankfully, the dear sweet Lord extended him (and me!) grace to survive today.

One friend whom I confessed my general moodiness and random disrespect towards my husband (okay, not so random... I'm sure it's coming from *somewhere*) asked what was fueling this... I don't know... Sudden burst of... sin?

Can you believe I used that awful, dreaded, horrific excuse of PMS? Yepp. I get angry at my husband when he asks me if I'm PMSing and here, today, on an off and horrifficly horrible day... I blame it on my good ol' pal, PMS.

Yikes! Days like today remind me how dreadfully human and how dreadfully fallen I am. It's true. I'm the chief of sinners! (Sorry Paul, I got you beat today) But days like today remind me to press in and keep leaning on my Beloved. It is true, of my own accord I can do nothing. Oh, but how beautiful the fact that "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me." (Phil. 4:13) On days like today, when every hormone in my body yelled out "rebellion, instability, craze!" His Word consistently whispered "submission, obedience, stability."

As I say "yes" even when my emotions and desires lead me elsewhere, He is transforming me and He is causing me to be like His Son, Jesus. So, I publicly repent.

Make me like Your Son, Abba. I desire to be with You, where You are. I desire to walk in affection-based obedience to You all the days of my life. May I be like-minded with You, Jesus Christ. Grant me Your mind, that I may love You with all my heart, with all my heart, with all my soul and with all my strength. Make me like You. Delight in me. Even in my weakness, in my darkness, on days like today. Dark am I, yet lovely. I long for Your Spirit to say of me, "Who is this, coming up from the wilderness, leaning upon her Beloved?" So, come. Make me like Your Son. In Jesus' Name. :)

Amen

almost

The house is *almost* quiet and I finally get an opportunity to sneak away and have me time. The only noise going is the baby's soundmaker, the dishwasher and my adorable *almost* four year old nephew talking away with his Momma. I'm enjoying the greatest blessings and joy right now in that I am attempting to serve my two sisters-in-law, one of which is expecting a sweet baby this coming September, my brother in law and my absolutely outstanding niece and two nephews.

I am truly beyond the moon.

And, I am also exhausted. This is only day two of hosting them and although I absolutely love love love them and I love having them here, I am also exhausted in more ways than one.

Truthfully, I have set myself up for massive failure. Once again, in my *almost* perfectionist state, I have set unrealistic goals that I just cannot meet. I once again forget that regardless what I think, I am not supermom and I am not a professional at hospitality.

I desire to be hospitable, I am willing. Even with limited resources I am willing and I am *trying* to do everything wholeheartedly unto the Lord.

But even in my willingness, my ever-faithful, ever bothersome companion, insecurity has crept in and made me wonder if I'm really any good at anything.

It has made me feel like my limited resources are an inconvenience and disqualify me from my willingness and hard work.

It has made me feel like I am a horrible mother because I don't mother like her.

It has made me feel like my faults are exposed and repulse every individual around me.

It has made me feel like I just don't have it together.

Frankly, insecurity is a big, fat, mean jerk.

And then, I hear that sweet, gentle, unmistakable Voice whispering to my ear;

"Martha, Martha, why do you concern yourself with such things?"

And enter in my reality check.

I remember that my Jesus values my willingness and delights in my servant's heart, despite the blunder that results therefrom.

I remember that regardless of what little I have, He is pleased because I'm willing to give it away, even if that means I might skip a few meals.

I remember that He is molding me to be the mommy that I need to be and He will complete the work He has started because I am willing.

And most importantly, I remember that He is working His salvation out within me, individually and uniquely.

I am not my sister(s)-in-law and they are not me. And although they *almost* have it all together (or at least it so seems to me), I am where I am because He has wants me here.

So, down goes the necessity to ensure that everything is perfect, and in comes in me actually enjoying my family while they're here.

Hmm, who woulda thunk?

maximize mornings update and breakfast woes

So a few weeks ago, I wrote a post on how I was on a mission. I was on a mission to Maximize my Mornings. To be transparent and quite honest. This blog post will probably fall under the "blunder" and/or "epic fail" category.

For a few days I was quite amazing. I was up by 630a and I was fully able and capable to function the rest of the day. Naturally, I was under the covers earlier, but it was actually quite nice and I was loving it! Then, I hit some sort of funk and found myself super tired all of the time. It even got so that I woke up for Aaliya's 730a feeding, she would lay with me in bed and I would nap with her during her morning nap (which is normally around an hour after she wakes up to eat). I was sleeping in until 10-11am!

Talk about epic fail.

Recently, I've been getting back on track (slowly) to where I'm waking up between 7a and 730a, feeding Aaliya and then continuing on the rest of my day and skipping my morning nap. Even though this is improvement, I really desire to make the most out of my days and wake up before the sun rises as Proverbs 31 encourages us to do.

"She rises also while it is still night and gives food to her household and portions to her maidens."
--Prov 31:15

I desire to bring food to my household both physically and spiritually... So, let's take a look at what this looks like.

Physical Food

In speaking with Caleb a few weeks back and talking about the things which he desires of me, one very simple thing he requested. Breakfast in the mornings. See, I haven't been the Mommy nor Wife that serves breakfast to her household. I've been the "spend entirely too much money for pre-made breakfast sandwiches" and fend for yourselves Momma. Sooo not cool.

My biggest issues with breakfast?

Waking up early is definitely one of them. After all, Caleb leaves to work around 730a which would require me to wake up around 630a to make a decent and simple breakfast and give him enough time to eat it, versus always going on the run.

My second biggest issue? I'm so not a morning breakfast person. My breakfast consists of coffee and whatever else I can get together, if anything. (Yes I know this is a very bad habit, let's take baby steps here people!) My husband on the other hand requests a high protein, practically glutten free diet. So, his breakfast requests are eggs (yuck!) and such. I don't mind making breakfast, but can we meet halfway here?

Ehh. Anyway, I am very much requesting any breakfast recipes that you want to share. If they are high protein without including eggs, you get a gold star!

Spiritual Food

I firmly believe Proverbs 31 is both a practical and spiritual application to wives and mommas. Therefore in verse 15, as quoted previously, part of its meaning (as revealed to me by the Holy Spirit) is a wife who can share Rhema Words with her family throughout the day as the Holy Spirit revealed to her in her morning devotional time with Him.

I desire to be a wife and mom who feeds her household spiritually. As a homemaker, it is my responsibility to set the atmosphere in our home, and I desire to set an atmosphere where it is easy to seek the Lord and my words and encouragement can help do that.

So... where does that leave me?

Asking God for the grace to wake up early and take it one step at a time. My current goal is to wake up early enough to serve my husband breakfast. I want to tackle the physical first because I am able to spend devotional time with the Lord later on in my day. Though not ideal, I believe the Lord will honor me as I seek to honor Him by honoring my husband in this small, seemingly insignificant manner.

So, let's shoot for 645a tomorrow, shall we?

Mommy Blunder

Okay. So my little one drinks Baby's Only Organic DAIRY formula and her Timmy loves it. She was on the organic Similac, however after the recall, I decided I didn't wanna risk Aaliya drinking beetlejuice anymore and I swapped over. After doing my research too, Baby's Only comes out cheaper than Similac. Well, this particular organic formula is only sold in two places in Central FL (that I know of). Whole Foods & Chamberlains. The closest (and cheapest!) place to us is Whole Foods. However, out of five or six times that I've either called or showed up, they've only had that particular formula once! (ok, maybe twice). Nevertheless, that is ridiculous!! The last three times I've gone shopping for formula has turned into a wild goose hunt. I've driven to store after store looking For the formula with no luck. Every location sold out! Twice, mind you, with Aaliya having absolutely no more formula. Being a procrastinator is definitely not something that is becoming of a mommy. Nevertheless, today was by far the longest drive yet. I called every WholeFoods store, and every Chamberlains store was absolutely sold out of the dairy formula. Until finally, I found a can. Mommy drove out to Kissimmee for a single can of formula, which lasts around 4 days. Yeah, not fun. So, this mommy has decided to shop online for formula in bulk, because this is just ridonkulous! Gotta low Mommy blunders of an empty can of formula and the search for the organic, tree hugging, impossible to find formula.

[enter in discouragement]

Okay, so at almost seven months pregnant (four more days of my second trimester) I feel like a ridiculous failure. The bulk of my pregnancy has been spent in a melancholy state and/or in a state of chaos. I am so ready for life without these crazy hormones. I really feel done.

I began this blog as a way for me to record this homemaking journey I knew I was to make. And instead of becoming a better homemaker, I feel discouraged, stressed and (evidently) frustrated. Maybe it's the standards I'm holding myself to, maybe it is these crazy hormones, but maybe it's the call to something deeper that I can't understand. Regardless of which one it is (though I'm beginning to think it's a little of all three) I'm ready to not feel like this. Ready to have my cup "runeth over" once again and not feel like everything I'm doing is a total wreck.

Forgive my Ecclessiastes moment, however I must say "There is nothing new under the sun! Solomon, I feel ya brother... If there's anyone out there actually reading my blog, I'm asking for prayer. Seriously. This rut has held me far too long, and I'm so ready for normalcy and fulfillment again. I want to be content with the life and the calling the LORD has given to me. So, with that being said... cue out discouragement, and please, enter grace...