Some very stern thoughts on mothering and mothers

If I've learned anything in the 25 years I've been a woman, it's this... Women are vicious. They have a natural ability and unfortunate knack to tear each other to shreds with words, actions and even looks.

And, if there's anything I ou've learned in the 5 years I've been a mother (I consider mothering my covenant daughter while courting Caleb part of this), it's that Mommies have an increase drive and knack to tear each other to shreds.

It's so unfortunate but unfortunately true.  My my circles are often characterized by common belief systems regarding parenting or an obvious tug-o'-war of said beliefs.  Heck, it starts even before we give birth.  The battle over which childbirthing method is THE best and THE right one stresses so many women out that often times our carefully planned birthing method has to be chucked out the window and we enter into motherhood with an already defeated mindset and a sense of failure.  We spend the rest of our mothering days trying to catch up and make up for the failure of an unplanned C-Section or "drugged" birth.

Then comes the hard stuff. Nursing or Formula?  Can I nurse? Is giving my baby formula shortcoming him/her?  Vaccines, no vaccines? Organic or non-organic food?  Can I afford organic?  To stay home or not to stay home? Homeschool, Private Education, Public Education? Montessori, Traditional?  Firm or gentle discipline? A mixture of both?  How do I do that?  Am I doing it wrong?  And on and on and on it goes with a group of very passionate women along the way telling you exactly THE way to do it.

And well, this is what I think.

I think I try to do the very best for my baby.  I wanted to deliver my firstborn naturally because that's what I felt was best for me and my daughter, but it turns out I simply couldn't due to a breech position.  So, I delivered via C-section.  I wanted to nurse my firstborn, but couldn't so we gave her organic formula as a substitute.  We wanted her to eat an all-organic diet because we felt that's what was best, but didn't have the resources available to do so.  She still ate healthy and was well-fed, but didn't eat the all-organic diet we had in mind. I nursed my son for as long as I could before his need outgrew my body's ability to create milk.  I tried everything and simply couldn't and have since, also given him organic formula. We decided not to vaccinate and their schooling is still up in the air.  We try to find a happy medium with discipline, though tend to fair in the firm side.  We spank and tolerate zero disrespect or blatant disobedience.  I choose to stay home so that I can devote every second to molding my children lives for the Kingdom of Heaven.  In that endeavor, we have willingly given up certain luxuries so that I have the privilege to do that.

And you know what?  I have felt judged every single step of the way.  I can't say I've felt 100% confident in most of the decisions.  That's probably 100% my fault, because I really need to get my act together and realize that my affirmation comes from Jesus and not anyone else I come in contact with.  Nevertheless, it's time we stop judging one another on our parenting choices and start demonstrating love, encouragement and respect towards one another.  Search out God's will for your family and believe others' are doing the same.  Realize we are serving a big God who is as creative as each individual sunset and as majestic as 1000 oceans and every star.  His purposes for your family will not look the same as mine, and that is perfectly okay.

Let's seriously stop calling ourselves activists when we're really demanding everyone make the same decisions we are. Let's love and encourage one another and believe the very best in each other.  Believe that we are all doing the very best we can.  Let's share information with one another without expectation that it will change anyone. Let's press on to know Christ together as homemakers, wives, mothers and submit ourselves to the clear teaching of Scripture, understanding that Jesus is our creative God who can demonstrate His work in whatever way He choose.

Come on ladies.  Let's just *love* one another.

Agape,

pursuing ministry as a family

Walter Bagehot once said "Women-- one half of the human race, at least-- care fifty times more about a marriage than a ministry." 

No offense to Walter Bagehot, but I tend to disagree.  I do care fifty times more about marriages than the Westernized notion of ministry, but I also firmly believe that ministry is intricately woven into the family unit, including marriage and they are to go hand-in-hand, not exclusive from one another. 



This is the little-big family I have the privilege of ministry alongside! :)



Unfortunately, we have gotten away from the idea that our families are our ministries and we've instead pursued outside of the home that which we should pursue not only within our home, but through our home.

I believe ministry (in the fullness of the word, not just the western notion of it) is an act of worship that is to be pursued as a family unit, not just individually.  Unfortunately, we are all too eager for "our own thing" that we tend to leave behind the primary ministry Christ has given us.

Let's look at some of the famous women ministers that have impacted our society.  I don't doubt (nor will I consider judging) they treasure family, but their ministries carry their names and their words as its primary foundation.  Rather than a family unit being known for its love we see individuals speaking forth words, but lacking through with actions.

How important it is for us to run the race, side by side with our families; our husbands, our children, our fathers and mothers if we haven't attained marriage and parenting yet.  I don't believe ministry was created to be an individual affair.  I don't believe callings and life visions are given to individuals who are married.  I believe they are released specifically for the family unit.  My husband doesn't have a calling, and neither do I.  But together, we have the highest calling; to raise the two daughters Christ has graced us with.  All as a family we are called to minister in love and justice to the poor, the widow, the orphan, the young and the old alike. 

So many opportunities have come for me to minister as an individual, and it has been hard to reject some, but in everything, I must take it to prayer and my husband and truly weigh out whether it's a family affair or a Nicole affair.  Not to say that every member of my family participates in every ministry "event" so to speak that we are involved in.  But does the family minister or just Mommy?  In blogging, I am the only one that blogs, but it is our family that ministers through the blog because it is our life as a family that inspires each post.  Such is the ministry I desire to see rise up again in our nation.

I dare to believe this can happen, do you?

*this post is linked up with Living Well Wednesdays!

almost

The house is *almost* quiet and I finally get an opportunity to sneak away and have me time. The only noise going is the baby's soundmaker, the dishwasher and my adorable *almost* four year old nephew talking away with his Momma. I'm enjoying the greatest blessings and joy right now in that I am attempting to serve my two sisters-in-law, one of which is expecting a sweet baby this coming September, my brother in law and my absolutely outstanding niece and two nephews.

I am truly beyond the moon.

And, I am also exhausted. This is only day two of hosting them and although I absolutely love love love them and I love having them here, I am also exhausted in more ways than one.

Truthfully, I have set myself up for massive failure. Once again, in my *almost* perfectionist state, I have set unrealistic goals that I just cannot meet. I once again forget that regardless what I think, I am not supermom and I am not a professional at hospitality.

I desire to be hospitable, I am willing. Even with limited resources I am willing and I am *trying* to do everything wholeheartedly unto the Lord.

But even in my willingness, my ever-faithful, ever bothersome companion, insecurity has crept in and made me wonder if I'm really any good at anything.

It has made me feel like my limited resources are an inconvenience and disqualify me from my willingness and hard work.

It has made me feel like I am a horrible mother because I don't mother like her.

It has made me feel like my faults are exposed and repulse every individual around me.

It has made me feel like I just don't have it together.

Frankly, insecurity is a big, fat, mean jerk.

And then, I hear that sweet, gentle, unmistakable Voice whispering to my ear;

"Martha, Martha, why do you concern yourself with such things?"

And enter in my reality check.

I remember that my Jesus values my willingness and delights in my servant's heart, despite the blunder that results therefrom.

I remember that regardless of what little I have, He is pleased because I'm willing to give it away, even if that means I might skip a few meals.

I remember that He is molding me to be the mommy that I need to be and He will complete the work He has started because I am willing.

And most importantly, I remember that He is working His salvation out within me, individually and uniquely.

I am not my sister(s)-in-law and they are not me. And although they *almost* have it all together (or at least it so seems to me), I am where I am because He has wants me here.

So, down goes the necessity to ensure that everything is perfect, and in comes in me actually enjoying my family while they're here.

Hmm, who woulda thunk?

an excellent mother

Two years and seven months into this parenting business and I'm just now starting to understand something.

To be an excellent mother death to self is mandatory, not an option.

Our society is marked by a culture where television plays the babysitter and so long as the physical needs of a child are met, you're doing just fine.

But parenting is such a big calling. It's seriously, huge. It is an honor and a privilege to live out Deuteronomy 6 as a Christian parent and to understand these little lives are given to us to steward.

An amazing mommy friend of mine, Melany sent me a text message filled with encouragement during one of my many melt-down moments. (Don't you love having amazing fellowship that sharpens and strengthens you in weakness?!) And this is what she said...

"Don't you ever think you're a bad mom. Don't forget that Jesus hand-picked you to be Aaliya's mommy and Daniella's stepmommy. He doesn't make a mistake and he trusts you to raise them up to live for Him."

Truthfully dying to self to parent is a lost art within our culture. We live in a day where public school* provides a "break" for many mommies, despite the lies it teaches our children and we'd rather give our children what they want instead of joyfully disciplining them admist their tantrum.

Dying to self comes in so many little opportunities every day...

It's getting up thirteen times during the time you're "unwinding" because your little one is teething and she just want lots and lots of TLC.

It's playing with your five year old instead of sitting and reading because you know that's her love language.

It's answering the one-thousandth "...but why?" question because you know their curious little minds mean no harm and they're trying to make sense of their world.

It's waking up early to seek the Lord on their behalf so that He may speak to you about your children's personality and download what He wants you to teach to them today.

It's excusing yourself from the group of people you're hanging out with to put the baby sleep because you know she can't sleep in such noisy, alternative environments, even though you were having a blast.

It's giving up your job, your ministry or your "calling" to take the low road of joyfully changing diapers, reading stories and jumping up and down in a silly way so that your children may learn to praise the Lord, undignified.

It's little things we choose each day. Like when we choose Jesus over TV. I want to choose my children over self.

"Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves." -- Phil 2:3

*Please note: I do not feel as though mothers who send their children to public school are poor mothers. My only purpose in using this example is so that we may all examine the motive of our hearts as mommies.

surrender

“When my heart was embittered and I was pierced within, then I was senseless and ignorant; I was like a beast before You. Nevertheless I am continually with You; You have taken hold of my right hand.” -Psalms 73:21-23

I’m learning that part of dwelling successfully in Mommyhood and especially in Wifeyville is the art of surrender. I feel as though I’m in this season of my life right now, where pruning and sifting is taking place, but it is not your regular sifting and pruning. It is an intensely personal pruning that is touching every part of myself, including my marriage and my role as a mommy. It has been the toughest time of my life and yet in this season I am learning that God is calling me to surrender completely and utterly unto Him. Offense and hurt comes from a place that isn’t dead (and therefore “alive”) within us yet. If then, being a wife is about my husband, then wouldn’t it make sense that every part of me “dies” and I am then called to give up my illusion of what I call “my rights”? God is calling us to surrender every reality and every illusion. It is only there we find truth, liberty and intimacy with our first Husband. It is all about surrender; giving up what we consider a right for the reality that He is wise and in control.

Mommy’s Learned Lessons,
Nicole

Mommyhood begins in Wifeyville

“She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.” -Proverbs 31:12

I know. There are plenty of single mothers out there who are fantastic mothers in “Mommyhood” without being part of “Wifeyville.” Yes, I know. And I totally agree. But this is about my journey, and my journey starts in “Wifeyville.” The longer I’m married, the more and more I realize that marriage is nothing about me and everything about my partner. Marriage is about giving of yourself without reservations regardless of the outcome. It is about loving the way Jesus loves. It is about a love that covers a multitude of sins. I have to admit, as women it is very common for us to become critical and bitter with husbands because of unmet expectations. It is easy to drift off and fantasize and wish our husband was “as spiritual as Suzy’s.” Well, I have recently learned that is operating and tolerating a spirit of Jezebel. Not to mention, how selfish of us. God has given unto us a “good thing,” a husband and father unto our children and the moment he shows a sign of humanity and weakness, we emotionally bail and check out. It should be our honor to fight for our husband’s spiritual welfare. Our wedding vows included “for better or worse.” It’s “the worse” part we pretend doesn’t exist when everything hits the fan, but it is this season of night, or this time of winter that produces and makes way for the warmth of dawn and the beauty and fragrance of spring. So, to whomever is reading, as I encourage myself through writing this blog, my prayer is that you’ll be encouraged as well. As the spiritual barometers of our home, my prayer is that we will honor our husbands by praying for their spiritual well being and that, in everything we are thankful for them. The dawn of spring will come, and oh what a beautiful day that will be!

Mommy’s Learned Lessons,
Nicole