I started my evening's conversation with the Lord something like this;
"I'm so weak in parenting Lord. I lack follow through and then I'm too strict. I yell and lose my patience. I can't get it right... God please-- how do I do this? How do I get it together and do it all?"
There are so many things wrong with that sentence, I'll go ahead and let you dissect it. Nevertheless, God interrupted me mid-sentence and really began to talk to me about this.
See, as you may or may not know, I have been in a season of sitting since my daughter was born. Sitting is a relative term, but God had our family focused on our family for those first two years of full time parenting. They have been a magnificent season because through it we have been purged and brought low and I am so thankful. Seriously.
But then, now... we have transitioned. And we're back to serving and ministering on a consistent basis (still being purged and still being brought low-- trust me. That will never change by the grace of Jesus.) And truthfully... I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to work part-time from home and keep a tidy house and parent my children properly and date my husband regularly and spend time in prayer and the Word and somehow in there remember to take care of myself. I just don't.
And right before God interrupted me I was asking Him to show me a formula for how the heck to get it all done. Surely, He must know.
This was His response;
"Nicole, you're looking to live in a well-oiled machine that gives you a sense of independence and satisfaction in your own organized efforts. It leans on me, but minimally. I don't work like that. Your mess and chaos screams My Glory. The order you're looking for won't come, because it's based on managing yourself rather than trusting me."
Got it Jesus. Loud and clear.
Our God is a God of order, but His order is not of this world. It doesn't make sense to those without the indwelling Holy Spirit and that's okay. It shouldn't. I'm not vouching for a messy house in the name of ministry and I'm not vouching for an immaculate house and unhappy babies.
I'm saying life will probably never be the well-oiled machine I think it should be. And that's okay. If life was a well-oiled machine, I wouldn't have very much room to allow the grace and glory of Jesus Christ to sustain me and shine on to the world. And at the end of the day, the glory of God is all we really live for. It's all we really should live for and all we can really count on being eternal.
So be encouraged today friend. If it seems like life is not totally and completely making sense, and if it seems like that routine you're looking for doesn't set well and like you're always having to ask Jesus to come help you, know that you are exactly where God wants you to be. Totally relying on His mercy to get you through. When you're having to beg God to sustain you every second of the day, You are fulfilling Matthew 5 and are shining the light of Christ on to the world.
Just, don't forget to do the laundry while you're at it.