Pour out

I have been a grouch lately.

A lot of transition has been going on in our little family. The Husband's work has relatively changed; we've moved, clear across the city; we've linked arms with an apartment ministry that demands our attention (as it should!); I'm starting the process to go back to school; and personally speaking God is doing a general gutting of my heart, so to speak. 

Add a toddler and a very active, mobile 8 month old to the mix and it could be ugly. 

Oh, don't forget my home-schooled seven year old covenant daughter. 

Life is just a general hot mess in our home.  I don't say that in a negative term.  I am so grateful for what Jesus is doing in our life.  He has really shown Himself graceful and good to our family.  2013 has come with a bucket-load of transitions after a very long (very. long) and very quiet (very. quiet!) season in our home. And I thank Jesus for His timing. 

But something happens with me and transition.  Apparently, I'm not a big fan of change.  When change comes into our day-to-day lives, I tend to put up my walls and be a grump.  I don't do it on purpose.  I don't even realize what I'm doing or why, but I know that I change, I become a grouch and something just... doesn't *click* internally. 

But then, I remember one of my favorite verses... 

"Trust in Him at all times, O people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us. 

Selah."

 Psalm 62:8

Scripture reminds me (charges me, even!) to pour out my heart before God.  The Maker of Heaven and Earth, the Alpha & the Omega is 100% interested in my heart and wants to hear me out on life! What a beautiful reality. My Maker wants to me my best friend. He does not despise our mundane day-to-day life as wives and mothers.  He doesn't see our calling beneath His glory and power.  Instead, He stands in "the trenches" with us, becoming our refuge.  

And suddenly, the change, the sacrifices, the lifestyle we choose to live (that of voluntary weakness) doesn't seem so bad.  I will pour out my heart before Him who hears.  God is a God who hears (Psalm 65:2), who sees (Genesis 16:13-14), who understands (Hebrews 4:15)! 

So, practically, what does it look like for us to pour out our hearts before Him?

• Converse with Him -- God hears.  Even if it's a sentence here and a plea for help there, in the midst of your moment, whether happy or sad, joyous or heart-wrenching, just take a moment to tell Him what you need, how you feel.  Of course He knows, but how happy it makes His heart to hear us share ourselves with Him! *
• Write it Out -- I think this is probably my absolute favorite way of pouring myself out to Him. I keep a journal (yes, a mom of 3 old lady like me journals, though not in the traditional sense) that I write in whenever I need to make a decision, or talk things out with someone.  This year, I am being very intentional about trying to write things down and talk them out with God, before I discuss it with my husband or pick up the phone and call my girlfriends. He needs to be my source of counsel, not man (though I will still most definitely be discussing it with my husband and confiding in my close group of girlfriends who love Jesus like I do and hear Him out too... In a multitude of counselors, there is safety! (Proverbs 11:14))
• Use your gifts -- God has given to each of us a specific set of gifts that are personal to each individual and cannot be exchanged for anyone elses.  Whatever that gift is, has been given as a means of expression and communicating between you and God.  I find that as a teacher, I pour out my heart before God while teaching, and teaching then becomes a means of a two-way communication between me and the Father.  Same thing with whatever gift you have been given!   

I encourage you today Mommy to pour out your heart before the loving God who hears you, sees you and is a refuge to you.  He will listen.  Admist chaos, dirty diapers, messy floors and pajama pants. He desires you. 

Agape, 

* As you're conversing with God Almighty, it's equally (if not more so) important to cultivate a lifestyle of listening to the Lord. It is only this way that we will truly understand that He is a refuge for us as this Scripture indicates. 

More ramblings on ceasing to strive

I kinda come in and out of this blogging world.  I try to stay consistent, I do.  But it's not secret that I'm one frazzled Mama of three little ones.  I often get disappointed in myself for not writing as often as I want, or about kinda jumping in and out of here.  It's not that I don't want to write nor that I don't have things to write about.  Part of it is the frazzled Mama syndrome and the other part is just me processing and figuring how I'm going to make sense out of the little whispers my heart hears Jesus speak.

Lately me and Jesus have been talking a lot about my incessant striving. It seems I'm a person who can't just stop and be still.  I'm always and constantly striving for acceptance; someone's, anyone's, everyone's acceptance.  I don't say no and I tend to work at pleasing the crowd.  My interest's in general and basic things tend to go with popular vote (by popular, I don't mean culture's popular-- I'm talking about my inner group of friends).  I dress the way I think I'll look less like a geek which tends to put me in this terribly "safe" box where I actually hate most of what I own. I talk a lot just to prove I'm not a dork and I'm just as cool as the rest... which most of the time ends up backfiring as I over-talk and I show my true, uncool colors. What is that thing the Bible says?  Oh yeah... "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks" (Matt 12:34)

I just don't want to be rejected. I hate being made fun of and I work at avoiding it at all costs.

But, there's a little bit of a big problem.

By nature and design I am a strange and eclectic individual. I'm not the type to be popular or cool.  I've never really understood most "cool" behaviors, styles or general thought processes of the "cool" people I know. In school, I was strange.  I was often the butt of jokes.  It wasn't until high school when I learned how to "play the role" that I became semi-popular.  I really wasn't popular, I just knew people. Most of the people I knew I credit to my amazingly cooler big sister (SHE is the definition of cool) and even among the group of friends we shared, I was the weird girl.  I don't know what it is.  I'm just weird.  I'm strange and different and don't tend to fit the status quo, and I really really don't like it.

In essence, what I'm telling God is that I don't like me.

But lately, it seems I can do no right.  I'm realizing that I'm never going to amount to the person my brain thinks I should be.  Because that girl is an illusion and she is not me.  She is not the person God intended me to be.  I don't even know who that is or what she looks like.  But I'd really like to know because He's telling me I should know.  I think it's all a part of that "Cease striving and know I am God" thing He keeps talking to me about.  When I stop working at gaining other's approval, I can know God.  And at the end of the day, it's not about me. It's about knowing God.  So that's what I'm doing. I'm letting go of my fear and just knowing God. If people make fun of me, if I remain an outsider for the rest of my life... He's pretty much worthy of it and at the end of it all I will have known God.

Agape,

Identity Crisis

I think there's an identity crisis that hits a lot of persons in the Church who walk by faith and call themselves Christians.  It's the identity crisis that comes after we've chased after righteousness in our own attempts and have failed miserably.  We've pursued the ministry and the leadership and the education and the recognition.  We've put on hats and roles we were never meant to fill for the purpose of purpose.  But because it's an ill-fit it never works out.  I think that sometimes, we have to fail at all our roles and everything we find identity in before we can be ready to sit at the feet of Jesus and truly discover our Heaven given identity.

I am a wife.  I am a mother.  I am a daughter and a friend.  A friend and a cousin.  I am an aunt.  I am an individual and I am a follower of Jesus.

And can I be honest, I have failed at them all.  Not once or twice but on a pretty consistent basis.  It seems I am never enough but always too much.  And I don't share this in an effort to pout or feel sorry for myself, but rather in a very real attempt at realizing that I will never be enough, for anybody. I need to learn to deal with rejection and I think so do a lot of stay-at-home Mamas.  What we do is counter-cultural.  In a culture that lives for self gratification married to riches and glory, our job demands death to self and everything we once found identity in.  Then, we immerse ourselves in this job-- the homemaking job, the wife role and the mothering.  Only to fail at it.  Dinner isn't always ready by 6, submission is an art yet to be mastered and using less than friendly tones with your children once in a while more often than you'd really like.

And then what?

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Enter in identity crisis.

But that's where hope is found.  In that crisis.  When we fail at everything else, Jesus is left and He is the giver of identity.  Only He can give the identity and security and purpose that our hearts long for.  He'll use tools like my children and my husband, my parents and my friends but they're not the end of the story, He is.


I don't know where to go from there.  That's as far I've gotten.  My living hope.  I know that at the moment, He is whispering His purposes, His thoughts and His desires for me to my heart. I may not hear it yet, but I hear this...

"Cease striving and know that I am God." --Psalms 46:10a

I will cease striving. Someway, somehow.  And I will soon hear His whispers loud as thunder. And oh, what a glorious day that will be!

Agape,

re-focusing on the eternal

“What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us.” 

- AW Tozer from Knowledge of the Holy

Sometimes, when you've lived simply, or have had need for so long and you're surrounded with others with unbelievable plenty... and you take your eyes off the prize, the catastrophic can happen.

You get caught up in the things and the world.

Personally, I think it's a guise of the enemy of God to distract us and turn our eyes away from worthy things to worthless things.  Things that burn, things that have zero eternal value. I also think it's a painful, yet unbelievably real reminder of how utterly deprived and worthless our mind and spirit are without the gentle and beautiful guiding of the Holy Spirit to teach us and bring us into a greater knowledge of who our God really is.

My heart has been lulled asleep by busy distractions and silly wants.  Things. Possessions. A reputation and name for myself. A clean and beautiful home. All things that are worthless in eternal value.  As mothers and wives, it is part of our calling and mandate to tend to our homes (Titus 2:3-5) but not at the expense of the eternal (Colossians 3:2-3).

Today, I'm choosing to be purposeful in building something eternal; I am asking our gracious Lord to awaken my heart to who He is and to instill within me a spirit of "wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of who He is." (Ephesians 1:17-19) While I'm tending to my little one, while I'm folding laundry, while I'm unpacking the mess left behind by our move on Saturday, even while I'm shopping for Haven's crib-set fabric. Yes. I'm choosing to be that specific, because I have to be purposeful and I choose to be.

In what way will you choose to be purposeful today?

softening our hearts

I think life has a way of hardening us.

If you notice, children are seldom hardened in their little hearts and lives.  Although children are being hardened in their hearts younger and younger these days due to the widespread acceptance of wickedness, overall, children still remain the same.

There is an open, un-feared vulnerability about their every way that speaks to so many on so many different levels.  It's why children inspire so many to such great heights.

But as life evolves and injustice is lived among and difficult circumstances encloses us into despair, our hearts turn to itself for survival.  It creates within it a wall of stone that gives the illusion of safety and the appearance of comfort.

But this is sin. It is not right. It is not good or holy or righteous. It is not pleasing to the Lord and it serves no purpose other than an increase in our pride and wickedness of heart. His desire is the softening and molding of my heart to meld completely with His in perfect love, unity, selflessness.

"Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh." 

--Ezekiel 36:26

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"And I will give them one heart, and put a new spirit within them. And I will take the heart of stone out of their flesh and give them a heart of flesh, that they may walk in My statutes and keep My ordinances and do them. Then they will be My people, and I shall be their God."

--Ezekiel 11:19-20

It's quite ironic that both these Scriptures demonstrating to us that His desire is to give us a heart of flesh (a soft heart) are in Ezekiel.  One of the expressed purposes of this book is to confront the exiles of Israel which have been brought to Babylon.  In their hardship, Israel turned to other idols and to false gods to survive the heartache and trauma they'd endured. 

Much like we do now. When our marriage is on a fast track to divorce, when a newborn baby is being declared a death sentence, when our parents die an untimely death to cancer or some other horrible disease, when we receive terrible news that rock our entire core... Our hearts tend to harden in an instinctual attempt to survive trauma. When we know the Scriptures in Matthew 5,6 and 7 but cannot bear the thought of living through the persecution one more day. 

But it's all a lie. 

Only Jesus can remove the heart of stone.  Only He can heal the wounded and broken-hearted.  Only He can declare justice when injustice surrounds us. And only He is enough. I wish I had a "how-to" when it comes to giving over our hearts of stone-- of bitterness and un-forgiveness, false justice and self-centeredness-- but all I can see is the picture of a Potter molding His clay.

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His patient hands create the vessel which He purposed in His heart in the beginning, and when the vessel dries up and becomes stiff and unmovable, He showers the vessel with just enough water to make it bend and flex again.

His Spirit is our water.  His Word is our water. 

And that's the best I can do when it comes to a how-to.

"... so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the Word..."

-- Ephesians 5:26

my piece of humble pie

Post written while "out of commission" that I feel led to share now =)

I have to admit that I threw quite a tantrum Sunday night. I sat Sunday afternoon, quite upset, after spending all day at Church trying to find someone to watch our 16mo old for a few hours while I went to work. Finding a permanent babysitter a mere 10hrs/week has been quite a difficult struggle, and week-to-week, it's gotten tougher and tougher. So I am doing the dishes on Sunday and basic housework, pouting-- mostly to myself-- and whining before the Lord.

"I've babysat so many times before. You'd think I'd sown enough seeds to be able to reap babysitting when I need it."

"This is what I'm talking about Lord, I'm hidden. No one sees nor cares.  No one's willing to live community style and sacrificially. I'm the only one."

"I'm so over everything and everyone... Why do I even try?"

Wha, Wha, Whaaa!

Then, in the midst of a quite the ungrateful, whiny, bratty heart, I feel His voice whisper to me... "Nicole, what is this situation revealing about your own heart?"

... Aaaand cue mortified, repentant heart.

"Yes Lord. I'm a whiny, ungrateful brat. Yikes! I'm sorry. You are good. You are still so very good.  I don't love You for what You do, but for who You are. You are Holy and Perfect; You are Love and You are good! Please forgive me.  I am so ungrateful before you."

Then I start to list everything I'm thankful for.

About 15mins later I get a text... The babysitter we'd originally really wanted agreed to spend some time with our littlest- and she'd bring her sister.

Score! "You really are good God."

About 35 minutes later, a friend who normally doesn't call is ringing my phone.

"Did you find a babysitter? I know that [enter man name here]'s a guy and all, but he offered to watch her for you in the Prayer Room. I told him how frustrated you were and he offered right away."

Be still my heart. Someone[s] really does care.

The next day, all goes well and my day is filled with peace knowing my little one was well taken care of.

I get a text-- "Do you care if other people do your laundry?"

Because, of course, my laundry room AND bedroom were ridiculously loaded with dirty laundry. Ummmmmm....

"No, but please don't!" I reply. I'm mortified she'd even see how horrible our laundry room was. Bleh.

I come home from work to a spotless house (even cleaner than I'd left it-- because yes, it was clean!). I see her swapping out a load from washer to dryer. Oy. Ok, ok. One load.  We get to chatting and I'm so grateful to her.  She leaves, I sit and play with the littlest and then go into our bedroom.

Oh. My. Gosh.

What the Husband and I had left in total dissarray was now immaculate. There were absolutely no clothes anywhere, besides on our bed, folded. That same bed was made, the floor vacuumed, and the furniture dusted. Dear Jesus. Be still my heart.

I didn't know what to think first... Horrific Mortification or Jubilant Rejoicing.

This is the kind of stuff I thought only happened to other people-- wow. Someone[s] cares.  But dear God, how humiliating. My room was a mess. I mean, pig-sty mess. (Listen, we were recovering from a sick baby...)

So, right on cue, pregnant hormones go into overdrive and I start to cry-- hysterically.  Because I'd just eaten a big ol', fat ol' piece of that good ol' recipe of Humble Pie. And man was it BI-tter going down. Mmmm.

Just the day before, I'd been ungrateful and complaining of just about everything. Finances, babysitter, husband, blah, blah, blah.  And here I stood, having had my feet washed and dried after walking a mile in my own dung.

"Dear God, you really are good. How much I am in need of You!"

It is amazing how much one simple random act of kindness (and service) can break and annhiliate pride in an individual.  Am I serving that way?  Is my lifestyle declaring His goodness to those around me?  Is my service being used to annhiliate whatever may hinder love in someone else? Dear God, I have a long way to go. But man am I thankful that You are good and You walk with me all the way.

He is the potter, I am the clay; a song of praise admist a sea of thunder

It has been quite a breaking few weeks.  Little Avery is a member of our Church family who has been fighting for his life since the womb.  K. Steffens passed away last Saturday after a devastating fight with cancer.  The Johnson family, one of our dearest friends are moving away about 2,000 miles away. (Leaving us. Here. Alone. So alone... hehe. Hope you're reading this Jess!)

Sometimes it just feels like our world is crumbling.  Too much too soon, so to speak.  Seems like some measure of brokeness meets me no matter which way I turn. 

And at first, I was angry, hurt.  Then, I became complacent and accepting.  Now I feel like rejoicing.  It seems Christ, in His mercy, desires our eternal good more than our earthly good, and although I can't explain to 15 year old Felipe, whose best friend was his father, why he passed, I can rejoice in knowing that Romans 8:28 surrounds him and all of us.  I can't explain to Jenny why her son has to fight for his life (with Christ leading the way) but I can rejoice remembering that He is our deliverer both to life and from death and He has made everything beautiful in its time. 

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." --Romans 8:28 

I often hear the excuse that too many bad things happen in this world for someone to believe or to trust in God.  Oh, but if we could just see the eternal perspective we would rejoice and praise that these events take place for our chastening and our good.  He truly is Sovereign and not a sparrow falls to the ground without His knowing and His approval. I can trust that He will bring all things to His good purposes and that He will not fail me.

Glory to God in the Highest! May the Son of God live forevermore and be exalted in this weak and trembling heart!

I encourage you today.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."

Praise in the storm.  Dance in the storm.

Acknowledge and embrace Him in the storm.

I'm rambling

I have been MIA from blogging for a little bit.

Yeah, sorry about that.  I've been tending to two babies with ear infections (yuck!), a husband with a drippy nose (aka runny nose) and still learning the balance between work, home, ministry, myself.

Aww, fooey! Yes, I said it... FOOEY!

I've been at witt's end and trying to find my way back.  I've been in a sort of wilderness/transition/not-really-wilderness season if you know what I mean.   Umm, how can I explain it?

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I-am-bei-ng-bro-ken.  Ve-ry-ve-ry-bro-ken.

The last few books I've read I've felt a grace to read.  (I know this was quite a jump, but it's related to the statement I just made.  I promise!)  One was a fiction book by Francine Rivers.  I've talked about it before (but I can't find the post where I did, so just trust me!).  I re-read it and gained so much from it.  I love how the Lord speaks to me through fictional stories. :P  But, this last book I picked up is called The Breaking of the Outer Man and the Release of the Spirit by Watchman Nee.  The title alone will rock your world, but it's content even more.

It is so ironic like God to give me the grace to read this book now. 

I believe our family is in the middle of a transition. Don't ask me to what.  Don't ask me what kind.  It's just... that feeling.  In the air.  That suffocates and breaks the will to cause His spirit to come forth. 

Yeah, that one.  The one that cause holiness to seep through every pore in your body. 

It's either that or rebellion. And since my God is a Jealous God, I know the rebellion won't stand much of a chance against Him. 

Anyway, here's a few of my favorite pieces from the thirty-nine pages I've read from this book.  I gotta take this one easy... slowly.  His breaking is mercy but too much too quickly will seemingly destroy me.  So, I will continue to self-preserve by masking my fear of the breaking with the spirituality behind needing to "digest" the truth found in this book. 

Yepp, I think that works.

"How could he (Brother Lawrence) maintain God's presence in the midst of his hectic work (dishwashing)?  The secret is that no outward noise could affect his inward being.  Some people lose God's presence because they are inwardly affected as soon as they hear any noise around them... God is not delivering us from the "plates"; He is delivering us from being influenced by them.  Everything around us can be in turmoil, but within we can remain untouched... Once the outer man is broken, a man does not have to come back to God because he is with God all the time...God has to break the outer man before He can use the inner man.  He has to break our love before He can use our love to love the brothers."  

the trouble with Pinetrest

writer's note: One of my bestest Mommy friends and I had a heart-to-heart last night on security. You know, how we place it on everything but Jesus.  So, we decided to link arms and write about the same thing, but from different perspectives. While I write about material security, she's writing about finding security in our physical beauty.  Hop on over to her blog and check it out!

I have a confession to make.

I have a latest obsession.  It's called Pinetrest.  You've never heard of it? Well click on that link right back there and get to Pinning!

Truthfully it's a blessing and a curse.  On one hand, I've been able to get so many great ideas on frugal decorating that I can make myself (which is awesome!) but on the other hand, I have quick access to pictures of others' homes that make me drool.

I even have a board called dream house.  I'm pathetic, I know... But, here's a peek. ;)

I drool everytime I see these pictures.  And then this ugly seed takes root in my heart... You may have heard of it.  It's called discontenment.  Suddenly I am so aware of how little our family has.  We live in a cramped cozy two bedroom apartment with two daughters, and about four closets full of junk.  Our walls are bare simplistic and our furniture is hand-me-down vintage. 

It's not that I'm not grateful or anything.  No, of course not.  It's just that, well... I know friends that have houses like these, or kitchens like that, or even... (gasp!) a beautiful library like that... How utterly unfair and ridiculous this all is.

So, I start praying.  That God grants to us a bigger house.  Because "God, we need it."  That God gives us a mini-van or some sort of larger vehicle.  Because, "well God, we really really need it."  And so on and so forth.

I have come to the realization and the ugly truth that I am most secure and confident when I've completed a diy home project and it's proudly displayed in whatever room of the house it belongs in.  I am most confident when friends come over and my home doesn't have that messy lived-in look.  In truth, I imagine myself confident with a living room like this...

A playroom like this...

 Or a guest room/chill room like this...

How absolutely pathetic. Throw tomatoes at me.  Boo me... I know, I know, keep it coming.

But like King Solomon declared all throughout Ecclesiastes, "Vanity, vanity, everything is vanity!"  I have to learn to find my security in Christ.  It's safe to say that God will never grant me those things with my heart in the condition it is.  It'll be the destruction of me.  And, it's pretty safe to say that deep inside, I know that none of those things will bring any form of security or confidence.  I find that in Christ alone.

"The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge..." -- Psalm 18:2

Yet Scripture exhorts us explaining to us that where your treasure is, there your heart will be also (Matthew 6:21).  My treasure is wrongfully placed in my home and my heart will break every time something minor goes off road, until I learn to be kingdom-minded.  Until I learn to set my eyes on eternity, on the heavenly just like 2 Corinthians exhorts us to do. 

My security is Christ alone.  He alone is a safe-place and refuge.  He alone is a rock and a fortress.  He alone can keep me safe.  My home may burn down and I may have to leave it behind someday, but if I am secure in His love, then I win. <3

the kingdom belongs to the little children

"From the mouth of infants and nursing babes You have established strength Because of Your adversaries, To make the enemy and the revengeful cease." -- Psalm 8:2

I know, I know.  I've started a post this way already. But, oh well.

Today is my prayer room day.  The day I spend two hours (at least) praying alongside other believers on behalf of families.  It is such a glorious day.

Today however was extra special.  It was like morning dew after a season of drought.  And it came by way of a sassy, adorable, hysterical little man named Aiden Samuel.

Aiden is one of the funniest two year olds I've ever met.  From asking for coffee from our missions base director (he was quite legit while asking for it too!) to doing some kind of tribal ankle grabbing dance during worship today, he is quite the personality and quite the amazing little man.

The amazing thing about Aiden is that his mommy and daddy work as intercessors for the Orlando House of Prayer and they do quite an awesome job at training him Deut 6 kinda way.  Just saying. ;)

So, today during our prayer set, towards the end of it, I was walking with Aiden and we were praying for the United States and for mercy (he is such a fiery intercessor!) when suddenly I felt a nudge to dance unto the Lord with Aiden. 

Uhm?!

Ok God.

So I ask him if he wanted to dance and he, with an excitement only a two year old can have about making total goofs of ourselves for Jesus, said YES! :)

So, we start dancing. And twirling (okay, his version was a man-twirl, he is after all a dude).  And getting lost in the Presence of Jesus.  And then suddenly I find myself really engaging and dancing with a liberty I hadn't done in quite a while.

And then, our prayer leader J. Johnson, asks that everyone gets in small groups and starts praying for one another.  So we do, and Aiden prays for us all.  And of course we pray for him.

Nothing spectacular happens then, but we keep dancing.  And then, I hear it!  That song I woke up singing.  The one's He's been embedding in my heart for a while.  The one He's using to bring out the boldness I so often lack.

"I've got a river of life flowing out of me, makes the lame to walk and the blind to see, opens prison doors, sets the captives free... I've got a river of life flowing out of me."

And then, something glorious happens.  His Spirit begins to move and minister in the room!  We went a few minutes over our set but for 30 straight minutes, we sing that chorus and then some and I know that God is moving; ministering freedom and liberty to the hungry of heart.

I was am hungry of heart.  He ministered to me.

All because a two year old worshipped freely.  With liberty.  Without restraint or fear of man.  I believe the Lord used Aiden's worship today to bring in a movement of His spirit.  

After all, don't we have to be like little children to enter into the Kingdom?

my fear and longing for beauty

Saturday Night was quite the night.  The Husband and I were invited to a ball.  The Agape Ball was held by Covenant House Orlando on behalf of some homeless young adults.  Covenant House wants to honor them and make them feel like they're worth it.  Because as you and I both know, (or should!) they are. It was such a sweet night.  Looking out into the sea of faces, these "kids" (and I call them so because I've permanently entered into the Mama Hen role and don't know how to get out!) came alive as the music played and they were given the opportunity to show off their dresses and suits (all donated by a loving community, btw) and all their dance moves.

It was an absolutely stunning picture of what the Hope of Christ can do to restore lives.  I was mesmerized.

But. Before this mesmorazation (is that even a word? Ehh, you get what I mean) came the break down.  See, this ball was an event that required dresses and make up and hair done and all that jazz.  In retrospect, I was pretty excited about the opportunity to dress up and feel feminine.  Having lived in sweat pants and t-shirts for the bulk of the last two years, (because let's face it, as a pregnant woman, I did not feel pretty nor like I was "glowing" and I did not enjoy showing off my anything!) the prospect of a dress, heels and a little makeup was kinda very nice.

So, my wonderful make-up artisty/personal designer of a wonderful sister rose up to the challenge and said she'd do my hair/makeup/style for this particular evening.  She.Is.Brave!

But as I sat in the chair for an eternity (or an hour and a half, you choose) and inhaled hairspray and was poked and prodded to death (ok, maybe it wasn't that bad, but still you get what I mean) all the excitement fell and suddenly panic took its place.

Panic by the way is no understatement. I suddenly felt very very afraid.

There's something about a pretty dress and heels and having been "done-up" so to speak that leaves a woman totally and completely vulnerable.  It is leaving it all on the line as we beg the question... "Do you think I'm beautiful?"  Sweat pants, t-shirts and baby vomit pretty much guarantee that we won't be consider the question, therefore the answer is allusive (though what a wonderful job our men do to remind us we're beautiful those times anyway).  But rock out the very best you got and suddenly insecurity is like a horrible, old companion you can't get rid of.

Okay, so maybe this isn't you.  But it's me.  And just a couple other women I know.

But seriously, how often do we hide behind the safety of our Mommy-attire and simply forget to leave it all on the line everyday and choose to be beautiful? In Staci Eldredge's Captivating her and John beautifully describe the desire of women to be beautiful...

"The essence of woman is beauty.  She is meant to be the incarnation-- our experience in human form-- of a Captivating God.  A God who invite us.  Beauty is what the world longs to experience from a woman.  So listen to this: beauty is an essence that dwells in every woman.  It was given to her by God.  It was given to you."  


God created me for the purpose of exhibiting beauty.

Umm, whoa.

Useful? Yes, I can see that. Practicality is now my middle name and I can totally see how He would create me for the purpose of usefulness and service to Him, but for the purpose of beauty? No.

Usefulness and practicality are safe; beauty demands that I take a risk.  But in a broken society that tells us that beauty is a 102lb, 5'7 supermodel who wears 13lbs of makeup and spends about two hours a day (at minimum!) in front of a mirror, I can honestly say I have missed the mark, a lot.

Which leaves me in a place of vulnerability.  It is easy to quote 1 Peter 3:3-4 at our Women's Bible Study as we sit in our feel-good shirts and comfortable jeans.  But place me in the middle of the dance floor at midnight with a Cinderella type dress and you've got a recipe for serious insecurity... Again, maybe this isn't you.  But it's me.

Saturday night, I was in the most vulnerable place I've been in a very long time.  I walked out of the house hunched over and making every effort to cover myself (as though my slingy arms can really cover up the "whole package") and I walked and danced pretty much defeated the entire night.

Truthfully, I was an epic fail.  But amidst the epic fail, I have found grace and learned so very much about my heart, and the heart of my fellow sisters.  My longing to be beautiful is of God and for God and His glory.  My beauty doesn't come from 13lbs of makeup, but it can and should reflect outwardly.  It was made to.  And Mommies tend to forget that.  I know I did.

As my sister, I would encourage you to pray and embark with me on this journey to reflecting true Biblical beauty.  It's there, within you.

Just like it's in me.

I just forgot.  Let's not forget anymore.