A rare-type of birth advocate

Today, we have a guest blogger! So excited for this one! 

I had an unusual birth.  I got two for one. No, not twins and not babies. I got two births for the price of one... 

Daddy holding sweet baby boy

When I found out I was pregnant, I started off going to an OB. It wasn’t that I didn’t like my doctor, it’s just that the more I researched and read (and the more my hormones started to affect my brain cells,) the more I realized what I wanted out of my birth. In my third trimester, I decided to petition my insurance to cover care at a local birthing center where I could have an intervention-free water birth. They agreed and so I began my unexpected journey into the world of natural birth. 

I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I just knew I wanted it bad enough. I would keep my eye on the prize no matter how bad the pain got. 

Then, the big day finally arrived. My labor started at a little before 8 pm on Friday night and I labored well into the morning. I finally felt the urge to push around 10 am. I pushed for a while, but I had a “cervical lip” that was working against me, making it very difficult for my son’s head to descend. He was also in the posterior position and I was experiencing terrible back labor. At that point, my midwife told me to stop pushing and breathe through the urge to push. I did this for several loooooooong and painful hours. I was fully dilated and finally allowed to start pushing again sometime that evening. After several hours of that, I started giving up. (*editor's note: gee, Cat... After almost 24 hours of labor several of which you had to resist your body's natural and very powerful urges THEN you *start* to give up? Gosh. Weak one!! ;))  It gets to the point where you don’t even remember that you’re trying to have a baby. You’re just trying to make it through the next minute. And you do. Those minutes turn into hours and your body just takes over. My mind wasn’t always in control of what my body was doing, but it did what it needed to do. Like a birthing beast. All that work, though, didn’t end in the birth I had envisioned for myself. 

The baby was just not coming. My midwife agreed that I was no longer progressing in my labor and the ambulance was called. I was told that the hospital would most likely give me an epidural and Pitocin to keep things moving, but that I could potentially have another 10 hours of labor ahead of me. I thought I was going to die. So, these circumstances that were out of my control landed me in an ambulance with a B-line to the hospital. The ambulance couldn’t get there fast enough. Not just for me, but for the EMT’s. They were pleading with me not to have the baby in the ambulance. If I knew where my arm was at the time, I promise you that I would have punched one of them in the face for saying something so incredibly stupid. But, I digress.

After the agonizing ride to the hospital, however, it was determined upon arrival that the baby needed out right away. His heart rate was dropping and I had spiked a fever (which we later found out was due to an infection in my placenta.) The doctor tried to deliver the baby during two more pushes (the most painful because the doctor actually tried to maneuver the baby WITH HIS HANDS). My son was right there, but he just wouldn't budge. There was panic and chaos all around me as they prepped me for an emergency C-Section, but I was completely at peace. I had somehow known hours before that this was coming and I felt that we were both going to be alright. I know now that God was present in those dark moments and He gave me peace in a situation that would have normally sent me into a panic for sure. Fine by me at that point, anyway! I just wanted him out. All I could think about was making the pain stop. And then… it did. Oh, Sweet Jesus, it did. A little [BIG] needle called a Spinal. I didn’t even feel it go in, but all the sudden I was numb from the belly down. That was the sweetest relief I’ve ever felt and you better believe I was thanking Jesus for that little modern miracle.

So, here's where the rubber meets the road.

Cat and Judah in the NICU

Because of the C-Section, I didn’t get to have a rush of Oxytocin (the love hormone that is released after a woman gives birth without medical intervention.) when I met my son, I was laying on an operating table, not sure if I was right side up or upside down. I remember gathering up the strength to be excited to finally meet him. I was happy to see that he was ok and hear his cry as he took his first breath, but truth be told, I was concerned about the vomit that was burning my throat due to all the tugging they were doing on my abdomen. I remember thinking, “I went through all that and now I might die from choking on my own vomit.” Yes, irrational, I know. But I’m telling you, I had no functioning brain left. None. Meeting my son was not the emotional, joyful rush I was anticipating it to be for so many weeks and I remember feeling guilty about that.

And that's where it started. The guilt. 

I had read and watched all these things about what a birth should be. And maybe it is supposed to be like dying a painful death and then opening your eyes to the glories of heaven, but it wasn’t for me. I was just thankful to Jesus he was ok. And I was EXHAUSTED. So incredibly exhausted. 

I thought "That's it. This is going to be the anti-climactic end to my birth journey… How disappointing." 

It was a bond with my son formed in a way that I was not expecting. You see, I didn’t get to hold my son when he was born. I didn’t even get to kiss him because I was too busy puking! Then, my son was taken to the NICU because of his elevated white blood cell count due to the infection that was in my body and I was told I wouldn’t even get to see him for 24 hours because of my fever. So, there went my chance at forming a special bond with him. Everything I had worked so hard for… I had played the moment in my head over and over again… That moment when I would deliver my son with my own two hands and pull him to my chest with a rush of love. None of that happened.

However, God blessed me in a way I was not expecting. 

The next day I felt like I had been hit by a bus. I was in an incredible amount of pain and still exhausted out of my mind. I had spent the evening dozing in and out of consciousness, waking to panic attacks in between. I cried and cried and cried. I didn’t know where I was or what had happened. I didn’t know what day it was or when any of what happened occurred. In fact, I’m pretty sure there were moments I completely forgot that I had a newborn baby. The baby that I had been waiting for for months was in another wing of the hospital. I kept asking for people to tell me what happened. I really thought I had lost my mind. It wasn’t supposed to go this way in my head. I was supposed to have my baby, in the water, and then four hours later walk out of the birth center with my little bundle of joy in tow. As reality set in, it was the worst I’d ever felt physically (aside from actually being in labor) and mentally. That was until they wheeled me across the hospital to the NICU to nurse my son.

The only time during that first week while my son and I were in the hospital that I did not feel any pain was when I was with him. If I was touching him, I was completely pain free. I felt like I could get up and run through the hospital (mind you, I had just had major abdominal surgery and my toes were so swollen, they looked like Jimmy Dean sausage links!) When I was nursing him or holding him in my arms, I felt like I could “tune” into him. That’s the only way I can explain it. I felt like Judah and I were one person. I could feel what he was thinking and what he was needing. It was incredible. I had never heard of anyone experiencing that after a C-Section and I knew it was a special gift from God. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that time just so I can feel that oneness with my son again. However, that kind of experience was meant for a special time and place in both of our lives. I know that he will not remember it, but I will never forget it as long as I live. A brief moment in time that was so beautiful, so powerful, and so spiritual. They were the hardest days of my life, but they were also some of the most wonderful. It made my incredibly crazy and dramatic birth journey worth it. It was a gift that my broken spirit needed and God provided. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Cat feeling energized while nursing Judah! :)

If you’re still reading, I promise you that I’m not here to tell you that I think every woman should try for a natural birth. I used to think "those people" were nuts. 

Then I became one of them. 

The older I get, the more I realize that’s how life usually goes. I’m also not here to tell you to flee from your seemingly “crazy” desire to have a natural birth run to the nearest hospital. I did both, all in one go. For the price of my son Judah, I could have had two children. He’s totally worth it so I’m ok with that.

Here’s what I would like to do though. I’d like to clear up a misconception and bring the two sides together. You know the sides I’m talking about… Whatever side of the fence you fall on, you probably refer to your counter parts as “those people.” There are the people who are part of a group that I identified with in the beginning of my pregnancy. These are the people who cannot fathom going through childbirth anywhere but in a hospital. And if you’re like I was, ready to battle out childbirth with a powerful weapon known as the epidural. I was all about the epidural. No, I take that back. I was all about going through childbirth pain-free The needle in my spine part really freaked me out. You may be a planner and schedule your C-Section. Or perhaps you were advised to have a C-Section by your doctor for a number of reasons and felt it best to follow that advice. These are the women that are ok with all that medicine has to offer.  The thought of giving birth in a hospital doesn't produce images of scenes from a horror movie in their minds. 

 Maybe you like the idea of natural birth, but would prefer to do it in a hospital setting just in case something were to go wrong. All of these are valid because they are part of each individual’s journey to motherhood. 

And then, there's the other side. The people who I used to think were hippies. I mean, why would you want to go through the pain of child birth when you don’t have to? How primitive. Like having a root canal without so much as that numbing gel they give you before the shot of Novocain. Again, those were my thoughts prior to my own birth journey. I told you-- no bashing either side and I’m sticking to that. Anyway, these people would probably do anything not to have their baby in the hospital. They are more granola and believe that natural childbirth is an empowering experience. And it is. It absolutely is. Having gone through it, I can tell you that I had no idea the kind of pain I was capable of handling. I am the person who normally whines over a paper cut, and I endured twenty-six hours of the most agonizing pain I’ve ever felt in my life [times a thousand!]. I’m actually shocked I didn’t try to run outside and throw myself in front of a bus just to end the pain. 

I've said all that to say this: No matter how you choose to give birth or how you end up giving birth, it is a powerful and unique experience. Child birth is not a formula that will get you the exact same outcome every time (except the baby, hehe!). That’s what I had led myself to believe and I was wrong. I thought I had to do certain things in order to have an amazing birth experience. 

Cat holding Judah in the NICU

The fact that I didn’t even get to hold my son when he was born does not affect our relationship today like I feared that it might. When I walk in the room, he gets a smile on his face that is just oozing with drool and love for me. I don’t think it would be any different no matter what happened on that day eight months ago. In fact, I know that if everything had gone according to MY plan, I wouldn’t have had the life-changing experience that I did. It would have been life changing for sure, but it would have been different. This experience was meant to teach me something and it did. 

So no matter how you end up giving birth, know that you are strong and powerful. You have been blessed with the great responsibility of raising your child. You have been called. You have been ordained. You are the best mom for your baby because you were chosen for him/her. So, trust your instincts. Believe in yourself and do not try to measure another woman’s birth journey by your own. Each journey is unique. Each is powerful. Each is special. Each is a gift. And we’re all just doing the best we can.

That is, afterall, the outcome for us all no matter what birthing path we choose. Sometimes we may end up going down a path that we didn’t choose, but we still end up with the same outcome… the big picture--

A healthy baby and mama. 

Catherine is a mother to one beautiful, happy, silly, bouncy, miraculous, heaven-sent little boy. He was bo

orn 8 (almost 9) months ago and has taken her world by storm. "I try to be a conscious parent, but if it stresses me out, then I just do my best. I cloth diaper because I don’t mind poop or laundry, but I buy baby food because I don’t like to cook. I think I’m a pretty average wife and mom who has been blessed with an extraordinary life."

the cure to burnout

I wanted to take a little bit to update you all on life. Our life.

The last nine months have been quite the blur and stressful. It seems I was incapable of adjusting to life with one more.  The storm is passing though and I can see things from a different perspective.

Life is still hectic.  Liberty is still feisty and very much a toddler. Justice is mobile, curious little babe and my days are still filled with dirty diapers, snot, occasional spit up and overall insanity.

But, I have finally realized that life is also filled with sweet slobbery kisses and baby's breath.  Snuggles and giggles. Moments that pass us by entirely too quickly. I can attest to the grace of God in this season and His merciful work in my life and in my heart.  The burn-out I found was suffocating me is slowly lifting and I am enjoying my calling as a Mommy and a wife once again.

One thing struck my heart throughout this season though.

Part of my burnout was the fact that I didn't know how to spend time with God in this new, busier season. I attempted to make it look like it did when I mothered one, or when I was newly married or even when I was single, and every single time, I came up short, disillusioned and frustrated (seems I get frustrated a lot, huh?). 

I believe part of having a Mary Heart in our Martha seasons is remembering that God has ordained this season and that time spent with Him will look differently based on our season.  Comparing ourselves to other moms is not helpful in any measure, and comparing ourselves to ourselves in different seasons will only bring disillusionment.

Mommy, be encouraged! Jesus designed you to mother your little arrows at this very moment and He has given you enough grace to draw nearer to Him even during this craziness!  Remember that your quiet time and seeking of His face has no formula.  It doesn't have to be in the morning for an hour, following a Bible reading plan on YouVersion (though praise Jesus for those!).  It can be throughout the days, moments quietly "stolen" between you and your Heavenly Father who desires you.  Connecting with the Lord during these busy seasons has nothing to do with a formula or checklist and everything to do with the posture of our hearts.

Don't get lost in the tools that are meant to usher you to our Father.  Don't get lost in the "have to" and "shoulda, coulda, wouldas" that you forget we love a Merciful God who delights in taking our weakness and demonstrating His strength.  Please Mommy, be encouraged! Jesus is in the midst of your mothering, your dirty diapers and toddler tantrums.  He is in the midst, longing for one single heart glance in His direction.  That is all He needs to draw you near. 

Draw nearer to Him today Mama, and draw strength from a Heavenly God who gives you grace for present trouble and glory for eternity!

Agape,

Some very stern thoughts on mothering and mothers

If I've learned anything in the 25 years I've been a woman, it's this... Women are vicious. They have a natural ability and unfortunate knack to tear each other to shreds with words, actions and even looks.

And, if there's anything I ou've learned in the 5 years I've been a mother (I consider mothering my covenant daughter while courting Caleb part of this), it's that Mommies have an increase drive and knack to tear each other to shreds.

It's so unfortunate but unfortunately true.  My my circles are often characterized by common belief systems regarding parenting or an obvious tug-o'-war of said beliefs.  Heck, it starts even before we give birth.  The battle over which childbirthing method is THE best and THE right one stresses so many women out that often times our carefully planned birthing method has to be chucked out the window and we enter into motherhood with an already defeated mindset and a sense of failure.  We spend the rest of our mothering days trying to catch up and make up for the failure of an unplanned C-Section or "drugged" birth.

Then comes the hard stuff. Nursing or Formula?  Can I nurse? Is giving my baby formula shortcoming him/her?  Vaccines, no vaccines? Organic or non-organic food?  Can I afford organic?  To stay home or not to stay home? Homeschool, Private Education, Public Education? Montessori, Traditional?  Firm or gentle discipline? A mixture of both?  How do I do that?  Am I doing it wrong?  And on and on and on it goes with a group of very passionate women along the way telling you exactly THE way to do it.

And well, this is what I think.

I think I try to do the very best for my baby.  I wanted to deliver my firstborn naturally because that's what I felt was best for me and my daughter, but it turns out I simply couldn't due to a breech position.  So, I delivered via C-section.  I wanted to nurse my firstborn, but couldn't so we gave her organic formula as a substitute.  We wanted her to eat an all-organic diet because we felt that's what was best, but didn't have the resources available to do so.  She still ate healthy and was well-fed, but didn't eat the all-organic diet we had in mind. I nursed my son for as long as I could before his need outgrew my body's ability to create milk.  I tried everything and simply couldn't and have since, also given him organic formula. We decided not to vaccinate and their schooling is still up in the air.  We try to find a happy medium with discipline, though tend to fair in the firm side.  We spank and tolerate zero disrespect or blatant disobedience.  I choose to stay home so that I can devote every second to molding my children lives for the Kingdom of Heaven.  In that endeavor, we have willingly given up certain luxuries so that I have the privilege to do that.

And you know what?  I have felt judged every single step of the way.  I can't say I've felt 100% confident in most of the decisions.  That's probably 100% my fault, because I really need to get my act together and realize that my affirmation comes from Jesus and not anyone else I come in contact with.  Nevertheless, it's time we stop judging one another on our parenting choices and start demonstrating love, encouragement and respect towards one another.  Search out God's will for your family and believe others' are doing the same.  Realize we are serving a big God who is as creative as each individual sunset and as majestic as 1000 oceans and every star.  His purposes for your family will not look the same as mine, and that is perfectly okay.

Let's seriously stop calling ourselves activists when we're really demanding everyone make the same decisions we are. Let's love and encourage one another and believe the very best in each other.  Believe that we are all doing the very best we can.  Let's share information with one another without expectation that it will change anyone. Let's press on to know Christ together as homemakers, wives, mothers and submit ourselves to the clear teaching of Scripture, understanding that Jesus is our creative God who can demonstrate His work in whatever way He choose.

Come on ladies.  Let's just *love* one another.

Agape,

poured out

"Trust in Him at all times, O people;

Pour out your heart before Him;

God is a refuge for us. 

Selah."

-Psalms 62:8

It has been a trying month and some change for our family. As I shared previously, my husband lost his job (and he is the sole provider).  We've also faced the joy and the challenge of a brand new baby boy and adjusting to life with a school-age child, a toddler and a newborn.  Then, this past week... we all got hit with a nasty devious and I'm quite convinced demonic stomach bug. 

Every part of my stamina was tested as Daddy, toddler and Mommy all got sick.  Newborn is thankfully immune, yet still demanding.  I was absolutely empty on every level. So I snuck into my secret place, my quiet place to search Him out and pray... the shower. 

Yes. My now most sacred place to soul-search alone and without distraction is indeed the shower. Such is the life of a mommy and wife. 

As I began to pray and listen to His Word (thank you Bible.Is app!) Psalm 62 was impressed upon my heart. So I still myself and listen. 

"My soul waits in silence for God only; from Him is my salvation... My stronghold; I shall not be greatly shaken." (Ps 62:1,2b)

I will not be greatly shaken. Then, again...

"My soul waits in silence for God only, for my hope is from Him.  He only is my rock and my salvation." (Ps 62:5-6a)

It is so easy to become entangled in the worries of today.  It is so easy to forget that His mercies are new every single morning.  It's so easy to forget that there is grace for whatever today brings.  Grace is a lifestyle and I'm currently living it. 

Then verse eight caught me dead in my tracks. 

Trust in Him at all times.  Pour out your heart before Him. 

That was all my weary soul needed to hear.  I am to pour my heart before Him because He is my refuge.  He is my safe-place, my Haven. My heart was intrigued, so I looked a little deeper.  And come to find out "pour" in the original text was the word "shaw-fak.'"  

It isn't just a neat pouring like we're pouring pancake batter onto a pan.  It is "to spill forth (like blood), to expend and to intensively sprawl out."  It is an absolute and complete throwing of my heart on to who He is. 

He is worthy of my heart.  He has won it through Calvary's cross and Resurrection's victory.  He is worthy of my heart and yours. 

So today, I want to invite you to spill forth, expend and intensively sprawl out your heart before the One who created it, who knows it better than you do.  Whatever is plaguing you, wherever you need grace and whatever is breaking you at this very moment... Just spill it forth and pour it out before the LORD.  He is truly a safe place, a refuge and a Haven. 

the heart behind the ministry at home

editor's note: Once again, it's catch-up day for me in cyberspace, so don't be surprised if I have a couple of posts up today. =) 



photo credit



Proverbs 31 and Titus 2:4-7 are two portions of Scripture that are quoted to and by women when it comes to the ministry at home.  I have found that it causes one of two responses; either a woman embraces it full force and makes it her life goal to embody these Spirit-filled descriptions, or a woman disdains it and passes it off to other women stating that Titus 2 and Proverbs 31 is simply "not her ministry."

I can't tell you how many women have spoken to me and have mentioned that Titus 2 is "my ministry" and "my calling."  They go on and on encouraging my heart (and I am so very grateful for that) yet neglect their own in the role and calling of Proverbs 31 and Titus 2.  Beloved wives, mommies and homemakers, Proverbs 31 and Titus 2 aren't just a specific ministry some of us are called to, it is a guide to how He will establish holiness and love in our hearts as women in these roles.  If we've said "I do" to that man we've loved, then we are called to be Proverbs 31 and Titus 2; if we have little ones or elder ones running around or running off to college, then we are called to be Proverbs 31 and Titus 2; if we stay at home, work in a secular place or serve the ministry outside the home, whether it's part-time or full-time then we are called to be Proverbs 31 and Titus 2.

These precious portions in Scriptures (along with many others including 1 Samuel 1-2, Ephesians 6, 1 Peter 3 and Malachi 4) are clearly written out for our benefit, it is an introduction to our identity.  Not because of the works we do, but the condition of our hearts.  It is possesing the heart of Titus 2 and Proverbs 31 that causes holiness to grow within us as wives, mothers and women.  It isn't the works and the acts of the Proverbs 31 woman, but rather that her actions demonstrate where her heart and her priorities are.

Matthew 6:21 teaches us that "where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."  The impossible-to-attain-personality of Proverbs 31 had her heart set on the very gifts and blessings Jesus Christ gave to her to steward, shephard and serve while on this earth.  So really, when we serve and prioritize our home with a Titus 2, Proverbs 31 heart we are setting our hearts on eternity, understanding that our home, our husbands and our beautiful children-filled hearths are really the way we establish treasures in heaven.

There is a unique grace for us wives and moms and it is a glorious thing to partake in it.  I am convinced that His grace will transform me into the Proverbs 31 woman with every Titus 2 quality.  It is a glorious ministry and if that is all I've achieved at the end of my life ministerally I will confidently meet the Father knowing I have been a good steward of the talent which He has entrusted to me.

* this post is linked up with Titus2esdays and Women Living Well Wednesdays

my fear and longing for beauty

Saturday Night was quite the night.  The Husband and I were invited to a ball.  The Agape Ball was held by Covenant House Orlando on behalf of some homeless young adults.  Covenant House wants to honor them and make them feel like they're worth it.  Because as you and I both know, (or should!) they are. It was such a sweet night.  Looking out into the sea of faces, these "kids" (and I call them so because I've permanently entered into the Mama Hen role and don't know how to get out!) came alive as the music played and they were given the opportunity to show off their dresses and suits (all donated by a loving community, btw) and all their dance moves.

It was an absolutely stunning picture of what the Hope of Christ can do to restore lives.  I was mesmerized.

But. Before this mesmorazation (is that even a word? Ehh, you get what I mean) came the break down.  See, this ball was an event that required dresses and make up and hair done and all that jazz.  In retrospect, I was pretty excited about the opportunity to dress up and feel feminine.  Having lived in sweat pants and t-shirts for the bulk of the last two years, (because let's face it, as a pregnant woman, I did not feel pretty nor like I was "glowing" and I did not enjoy showing off my anything!) the prospect of a dress, heels and a little makeup was kinda very nice.

So, my wonderful make-up artisty/personal designer of a wonderful sister rose up to the challenge and said she'd do my hair/makeup/style for this particular evening.  She.Is.Brave!

But as I sat in the chair for an eternity (or an hour and a half, you choose) and inhaled hairspray and was poked and prodded to death (ok, maybe it wasn't that bad, but still you get what I mean) all the excitement fell and suddenly panic took its place.

Panic by the way is no understatement. I suddenly felt very very afraid.

There's something about a pretty dress and heels and having been "done-up" so to speak that leaves a woman totally and completely vulnerable.  It is leaving it all on the line as we beg the question... "Do you think I'm beautiful?"  Sweat pants, t-shirts and baby vomit pretty much guarantee that we won't be consider the question, therefore the answer is allusive (though what a wonderful job our men do to remind us we're beautiful those times anyway).  But rock out the very best you got and suddenly insecurity is like a horrible, old companion you can't get rid of.

Okay, so maybe this isn't you.  But it's me.  And just a couple other women I know.

But seriously, how often do we hide behind the safety of our Mommy-attire and simply forget to leave it all on the line everyday and choose to be beautiful? In Staci Eldredge's Captivating her and John beautifully describe the desire of women to be beautiful...

"The essence of woman is beauty.  She is meant to be the incarnation-- our experience in human form-- of a Captivating God.  A God who invite us.  Beauty is what the world longs to experience from a woman.  So listen to this: beauty is an essence that dwells in every woman.  It was given to her by God.  It was given to you."  


God created me for the purpose of exhibiting beauty.

Umm, whoa.

Useful? Yes, I can see that. Practicality is now my middle name and I can totally see how He would create me for the purpose of usefulness and service to Him, but for the purpose of beauty? No.

Usefulness and practicality are safe; beauty demands that I take a risk.  But in a broken society that tells us that beauty is a 102lb, 5'7 supermodel who wears 13lbs of makeup and spends about two hours a day (at minimum!) in front of a mirror, I can honestly say I have missed the mark, a lot.

Which leaves me in a place of vulnerability.  It is easy to quote 1 Peter 3:3-4 at our Women's Bible Study as we sit in our feel-good shirts and comfortable jeans.  But place me in the middle of the dance floor at midnight with a Cinderella type dress and you've got a recipe for serious insecurity... Again, maybe this isn't you.  But it's me.

Saturday night, I was in the most vulnerable place I've been in a very long time.  I walked out of the house hunched over and making every effort to cover myself (as though my slingy arms can really cover up the "whole package") and I walked and danced pretty much defeated the entire night.

Truthfully, I was an epic fail.  But amidst the epic fail, I have found grace and learned so very much about my heart, and the heart of my fellow sisters.  My longing to be beautiful is of God and for God and His glory.  My beauty doesn't come from 13lbs of makeup, but it can and should reflect outwardly.  It was made to.  And Mommies tend to forget that.  I know I did.

As my sister, I would encourage you to pray and embark with me on this journey to reflecting true Biblical beauty.  It's there, within you.

Just like it's in me.

I just forgot.  Let's not forget anymore.  

ramblings of a step parent



When I first began this journey.
Daniella barely 3 years young.

One of the best, most complicated aspects of my life is step-parenting.  I know, I know... I hate the word "step" too.  But it is often too complicated to explain what people otherwise associate with this word. 

Don't get me wrong, this "step" business is filled with so many highs and joys, but along with it come some of the most challenging situations I'll probably ever have to go through.

I have always prayed that Christ would grant to me the ability to love Daniella as unconditionally as I would love any other child that He blesses me with.  I don't want there to be an ounce of difference between her and any other siblings she may have.  I never want to hear her say, "This is my half sister/brother, oh and that's my Dad's wife."  Never. Ever. Ever. Ever!

I can truly say that although is a continual pursuit in the revelation of adoption, God has been good to me and He has given me grace to love.

In everything though, I am finding this stepparenting experiencing quite lonely*.  Most people I know carry one of two mentalities when it comes to our very very unique situation;

  1) "I could never do that" and so they don't.  They lack the understanding and the desire to really understand so they purposefully set themselves away from it all.  The thought of even coming in with me and getting their hands and knees dirty is just inconceivable.

  2)  "I would help out and all, but so long as it doesn't affect me negatively."  The idea of laying down my life for the sake of another-- even more that it is someone who is not "flesh and blood" is absolutely prepostorous, so they advice me to just walk away and kinda keep at a distance.  Well, considering my answered prayer from a paragraph or two ago, it doesn't really seems like that's an option. 

Us now. This is sweet-sweet journey!

Both parties mean well, and I am by no means speaking against either.  It is hard, and truthfully, I probably wouldn't quite know how to handle if I wasn't the one in the midst of it all.  I probably would say "I could never do that" and just lack understanding, comfortably.  And that's okay.

In this lonely journey, I'm finding that I have to truly press into the Lord.  I'm having to receive revelation and grace as to how to do this in a manner that will glorify Him and benefit my sweet Daniella Grace, from Scripture, when there's no exact scenario or exhortation in Scripture on it.  I'm having to be vulnerable with my husband in every opinion, every thought and every emotion (and may I say vulnerability is not my specialty).  I'm learning that for me to stepparent successfully, I have to die to myself and I have to posess qualities so much like Jesus that it is impossible for me to do it without Him.

I remember picking up a book on stepparenting at Border's once.  I browsed through and in reading the first page or so, I realized what an awful mentality our society has on step-parenting.  One parent was quoted "I really don't get along with my stepkids that well.  They don't like me, and truthfully, I don't really like them.  It's a mutual understanding and respect that has allowed neither one of us to build up resentment against the other." 

Yikesssss!

I'm pretty positive that's not how Jesus would do it.  I'm pretty positive He speaks to the stepparent and encourages them to give up the child (in love, so to speak) and their very lives and heart in the process for the purpose of life. (read all about it in 1 Kings 3:16-28) 

I think my *favorite* part of this lonely journey is that I know this is what He has chosen for me.  One of the worship leaders at the International House of Prayer-KC once said that "God chose the generation, the nation, the circumstance, the family, the very heritage into which you should be born so that you would love Him the most." 

When this thing gets tough and all manners of self-seeking thoughts and attitudes knock at my door, I have to, I choose to remind myself that He has chosen this for me.  This was done out of His Sovereignty and His purposes will reign. 

It's a team effort, this Mommy business

In the meantime, I'd like to encourage you.  Look around the people in your life.  Is there anyone who has a "difficult, sticky" situation they live with?  Are you readily available to offer prayer and/or Biblical support?  Have you prayed for them lately?  Chances are, they need it.  Ask God to encounter you with a spirit of adoption and pray for someone you normally "wouldn't know how to" pray for. 

an encouragement for Moms

A few days ago, I was sitting, trying hard to press through my headache and those thoughts of giving up on EVERYTHING, pondering to my self that this homemaker/mothering/wife business is surely way to much for me, and this journey is way too rigorous. Although in the end we wont give up, the fight still remains. I know we can all relate with the feeling of weariness, and heaviness.

But.

I am so thankful for the faithfulness of the Lord, He is always true to His word, and devoted to His beloved ones.

Sitting there, in a very very messy kitchen, during my lowest point, God met me! He spoke to me the simplest things. Things I've heard before.

But.

It hit my heart this time and I knew that I was to share it with other mommas. I pray that it encourages and blesses your heart.

"You are not alone, I am with you. I am the lifter of your head and I will carry you in your weariness & sustain you when you feel you cant stand. You do not need to run the this journey of motherhood on your own strength because my strength is made perfect in your weakness and my grace is more then enough. You may feel you haven't reached perfection in your homemaking skills, in your raising children skills, or even if your wife skills, but in my eyes YOU HAVE. When I look at you, I see a faithful & diligent woman."

As I was feeling this, I saw a picture of Jesus, as a strong built man, lifting me up, moving my hands and feet for me. He was carrying me around my house, as if he was helping me get all that I needed to get done, He was laboring WITH me, NEXT to me.

He is saying; "I AM strength. I AM grace. I AM mercy, just REST, REST, REST in ME!"

The ever so faithfulness, of the Lord, is what keep us going, and O how faithful He is!

Melany blogs over at Beauty of Motherhood! =)
"My, name is Melany Reyes, I am the wife to a wonderful man named Moises, whom I have been married to for 4yrs. I am also the very proud momma to two amazing babies. My oldest baby, Grace Anna is going to be two in August and my youngest, Joshua Elias is 6 months. I am currently a proud homemaker & stay at home mom, living in KC MO. My desire is to see and view my family through the eyes of Jesus, and to share what He reveals to me with other Jesus-loving mommies everywhere!"

confronting fear, affliction and earnestly seeking Him

"I will go away and return to My place until they acknowledge their guilt and seek My face; in their affliction they will earnestly seek Me." --Hosea 5:15

I've devoted a couple of blog posts to whining expressing frustration, confusion and overwhelm to this season of life. It's just... brutal.

Motherhood and marriage is a crash course to holiness, righteousness and Christ-likeness 101. Truth of the matter is, you can't be a great wife and mom without the sweet grace and tender mercies of Christ Jesus.

How can we love when we don't know love? As I was sitting, reading Scripture this morning, it dawned on me that I have yet to truly know the love of Christ. 1 John reminds us that "perfect love casts out all fear." I still fear Beloved. Oh, how I fear.

As my exceprt from my journal reveals, "I live in constant fear; of the dark, of the shadows, of catastrophe, of starving, of not having enough money, of not being a good enough mother, wife, or individual. The list goes on and on." And it's a secret list that reminds me and confronts me with the truth of my own affliction and the very fact that I have yet to know the love of Christ in a truly intimate way.

I still have such a long way to go Beloved. So very long to go! But while reading Hosea this morning I realized something. In my affliction, I have and will earnestly seek Him. My affliction hardly compares to men and women who are being martyred daily, or persecuted for righteousness sake, or even tortured in the name of religion, but my affliction is one of heart, a relational one so to speak.

Personally speaking, this season has been hard not only because I'm a new mom and I'm still trying to figure this thing out, but because there are other elements, other "pieces to the puzzle" so to speak that cause my heart to break and ache on a very regular basis. It's been a personal journey of leaning into my Beloved with (quite literally) all that I have and believe that He alone is True and Faithful.

And can I just say...
It's.Been.Hard.

But...

In some beautifully chaotic way, I have earnestly sought my sweet, precious God and I have grown so much closer to Him through all of this. My affliction of heart has caused me to earnestly seek Him. Just like He said it would in Hosea. And in that realization, I have to just know and trust that He is good; and He will work all things for my good. Not my desires, not my capricious wants, but truly my eternal, heavenly and Holy good.

nd suddenly, that affliction turns from pain to beauty, from frustration to understanding and from weeping to dancing.

an insignificant yes is a mighty battle to win

Sigh.

Today wasn't a great day. Not practically nor relationally speaking. My house is still a mess, laundry's still not done and truthfully I have quite the headache. I have no desire to press forward in this homemaking journey and I have no desire to change that.

On a day like today, I normally would've up given up before the day even started and mindlessly lost myself in television and pity. Sadly this is true. However today, although I didn't get as much done as my little mind would've wanted to do, I said yes in the most insignificant of ways and did all I could to push myself out of lethargy and laziness.

I said yes to His Word; "His grace is sufficient for me."
I said yes to my husband; I cooked a very small, simple meal when everything inside me wanted to just order Chinese takeout from the restaurant across the street (to which he would've obliged, I'm sure)
I said yes to my daughter; I spent *a little extra* time with her during bath time (her very favorite time of the day) and chased her around the house.
I said yes to my God-given ministry; I did the dishes, picked up the toys around the house and will be folding a load of laundry during our favorite show (SYTYCD, hoorah!)
I said yes to the prompting of the Holy Spirit and took care of my temple; I took an extra 10 minutes for myself and got dressed and beautified before starting the bulk of the day.

They're not major victories. I haven't necessarily done an outstanding job at anything today. Should you walk into my house at the moment, you might wonder what I did all day. And truthfully, I'm ok with that.

I spent my day today gaining inches in the Kingdom of God knowing that His Spirit is at work within me. Saying yes sometimes in the most insignificant of ways is all we can manage in a day. And you know what? That's ok. I'm learning in this pursuit of becoming the Shulamite Homemaker that it's not always about how clean and organized we can get our home (although, praise Jesus that's a good goal to have!) but it's about giving Jesus our everything--including our weaknesses.

My weakness is consistency. My weakness is a hyper-emotional heart. It is pushing through days like today.

And I'm doing it. By His grace only; by His mercy... but you know what Beloved? I'm doing it!

What are some of your weaknesses that stand in the way of productive days? In what ways have you said yes to Jesus lately?

routine, routine, routine

I look at the clock and I see it's 400p. Yikes! Dishes are still dirty, laundry is still not put away, dinner is not close to being started and I'm still in my pajamas.

I feel like I've been busy all day and yet have accomplished zilch. Hubbers will be home in an hour and the house is definately less than presentable, as am I.

Is this just me or does this happen to you other Mommy-gals out there? (Please don't say it's just me... I will officially go down as worse homemaker wife everrrrrr!)

Something's just got to be done. I can't continue to have my husband come home to a messy house and a pajama wearing wife. He works hard outside of the home all day and has a paycheck to prove it. I, on the other hand have nothing but the manner in which he finds me, our home and our children when he gets home as "proof."

So far, I should probably get fired.

Now, don't get me wrong-- this isn't an every day thing (no, really, it's not...). But part of being a Proverbs 31 wife is a consistent and continual honoring of our husbands. In everything! The way we look, the way our home is when they come home from work, etc.

Mike Bickle from IHOP-KC did a teaching series called "The Power of a Focused Life." In it, he mainly discussed the importance of scheduling our time in prayer and in the Word. He encourages us to schedule out our day so that we may be consistently using our time wisely and for the glory of God.

So, a few nights ago... I came home, sat down with my calendar, prayed and came up with a daily schedule that will provide me with structure throughout my day. I've scheduled in my time with the Lord, our little family's devotion time, Mommy's shower and "getting ready time" (yes, believe it or not, I have to do this... Otherwise I'll stay in my pj's all day and take a 2min shower right before bed) as well as daily homekeeping and cleaning.

I seperated my day into two routines; morning and afternoon. I much prefer it this way because it's not overwhelming. Seeing my entire day in one glance tends to overwhelm and discourage me, so breaking it down into two portions of my day makes so much more sense for me and keeps me encouraged at pursuing it rather than discouraged.

I also went ahead and stopped this scheduled routine when Daddy comes home. I didn't want to be too rigid with a routine when Daddy came home so that we were free to spend time as a family, without additional "requirements" for Daddy to fill. I tend to be a strickler when I commit to routines and schedules like this, and understanding my weakness, I didn't want to become a "dripping faucet" to my husband. ;)

Additionally, we have designated nights for things in our homes and I feel like that's routine enough. =) Tuesdays are family prayer nights, Wednesday's Mommy attends a class, Thursdays are date nights (hoorahhh!) and Fridays Mommy works and Daddy has Daddy-Daughters Date Nights!

Naturally, like Mike Bickle said, "we can't keep a schedule 100% of the time, but if we keep it 80% of the time (and that's high), then we are greatly increasing our productiveness..." as Mommies, Wives and Homemakers. Pretty much as individuals.

Having this routine this week has greatly helped me. It's been a busy week and I haven't been able to keep it super consistently, but it's already provided me with such a better ebb and flow to our day!

What about you? Do you keep a daily routine? If so, how did you break it up and how does it work for you?

Encoragement for Mamas!

As mamas, it is so easy to become discouraged and forget how much our feeble hearts move the Lord. I had a very challenging week this past week. Aaliya was double sick plus teething; Caleb had strep and an upper respiratory infection. And, I was one very very exhausted tried and tested Mama. I can't say I passed with flying colors. I was on the verge of flunking. And then, Matt Gilman reminded me. He had to remind me several times before I got the hint, but I eventually got it. So, I wanted to share this video with the song "Do you know the way you move Me?" where Matt Gilman sings it and during the time of worship, he breaks forth in a spontaneous song which moved me. And as a mama, I believe it'll move and encourage you to know and remember that He is undone by a single glance of Your eyes. That if all you can get in during the day is the Psalm that you shared with the kiddos during devotional, that very glance in His direction ravishes Him! Every motion of our heart towards Him undoes Him... And He chooses to be undone by you! Watch and be encouraged Mamas!