Some very stern thoughts on mothering and mothers

If I've learned anything in the 25 years I've been a woman, it's this... Women are vicious. They have a natural ability and unfortunate knack to tear each other to shreds with words, actions and even looks.

And, if there's anything I ou've learned in the 5 years I've been a mother (I consider mothering my covenant daughter while courting Caleb part of this), it's that Mommies have an increase drive and knack to tear each other to shreds.

It's so unfortunate but unfortunately true.  My my circles are often characterized by common belief systems regarding parenting or an obvious tug-o'-war of said beliefs.  Heck, it starts even before we give birth.  The battle over which childbirthing method is THE best and THE right one stresses so many women out that often times our carefully planned birthing method has to be chucked out the window and we enter into motherhood with an already defeated mindset and a sense of failure.  We spend the rest of our mothering days trying to catch up and make up for the failure of an unplanned C-Section or "drugged" birth.

Then comes the hard stuff. Nursing or Formula?  Can I nurse? Is giving my baby formula shortcoming him/her?  Vaccines, no vaccines? Organic or non-organic food?  Can I afford organic?  To stay home or not to stay home? Homeschool, Private Education, Public Education? Montessori, Traditional?  Firm or gentle discipline? A mixture of both?  How do I do that?  Am I doing it wrong?  And on and on and on it goes with a group of very passionate women along the way telling you exactly THE way to do it.

And well, this is what I think.

I think I try to do the very best for my baby.  I wanted to deliver my firstborn naturally because that's what I felt was best for me and my daughter, but it turns out I simply couldn't due to a breech position.  So, I delivered via C-section.  I wanted to nurse my firstborn, but couldn't so we gave her organic formula as a substitute.  We wanted her to eat an all-organic diet because we felt that's what was best, but didn't have the resources available to do so.  She still ate healthy and was well-fed, but didn't eat the all-organic diet we had in mind. I nursed my son for as long as I could before his need outgrew my body's ability to create milk.  I tried everything and simply couldn't and have since, also given him organic formula. We decided not to vaccinate and their schooling is still up in the air.  We try to find a happy medium with discipline, though tend to fair in the firm side.  We spank and tolerate zero disrespect or blatant disobedience.  I choose to stay home so that I can devote every second to molding my children lives for the Kingdom of Heaven.  In that endeavor, we have willingly given up certain luxuries so that I have the privilege to do that.

And you know what?  I have felt judged every single step of the way.  I can't say I've felt 100% confident in most of the decisions.  That's probably 100% my fault, because I really need to get my act together and realize that my affirmation comes from Jesus and not anyone else I come in contact with.  Nevertheless, it's time we stop judging one another on our parenting choices and start demonstrating love, encouragement and respect towards one another.  Search out God's will for your family and believe others' are doing the same.  Realize we are serving a big God who is as creative as each individual sunset and as majestic as 1000 oceans and every star.  His purposes for your family will not look the same as mine, and that is perfectly okay.

Let's seriously stop calling ourselves activists when we're really demanding everyone make the same decisions we are. Let's love and encourage one another and believe the very best in each other.  Believe that we are all doing the very best we can.  Let's share information with one another without expectation that it will change anyone. Let's press on to know Christ together as homemakers, wives, mothers and submit ourselves to the clear teaching of Scripture, understanding that Jesus is our creative God who can demonstrate His work in whatever way He choose.

Come on ladies.  Let's just *love* one another.

Agape,

why I love our Titus 2 Mom's Group!

There I was... sitting on a hot pink toddler reclining chair, surrounded by a group of women who all love the Lord, love life (as in little people) and love each other. When suddenly, I realized the beautiful picture this must be.

To the world, we are a very small group of women who are overall pretty unnoticeable and pretty odd (or so we've been told, hehe).  But to the Lord, we must be a group of earth-changing Mamas who long to see His face in every facet of our lives, including the way we raise and train up our children.

We were together, in my living room (what a privilege!) celebrating life with a brand new Mama. We wanted to pray with her and shower her and her sweet gift with love and blessings.  And we did.  We came together as broken women who are looking to be made whole (completely) in the presence of our sweet, sweet Savior.  Clinging to the fact that we are better off in each others' fellowship than we are alone. We cried together, laughed together and took the brave step in becoming vulnerable.

And there's something so beautiful and holy about that.

I would encourage you today, Mama to prayerfully considering prioritizing time with other godly Mamas (both older and younger, as Titus 2 instructs us)-- whether it be over the phone, in person, or in a small group-- monthly, bi-monthly or even weekly if it's a possibility, and spend time with them.  Pray with them. Talk with them. Get real with them and trust that the Holy Spirit knew what He said when He commanded godly fellowship and friendships all throughout Scriptures.  Motherhood can feel like a lonely time, and we should really know that we are not alone.  We haven't walked through it alone, we are not alone now and we never will be.

Are you prioritizing Titus 2 time with other godly women surrounding you?

the supermom myth busted!

photo credit

I don't know what it is about super-moms that appeal to us so much.  I know, I know, it is quite tempting to have the natural ability to do absolutely everything on our to-do list, raise perfect children and have perfect marriages meanwhile our home looks like it stepped out of a Pottery Barn catalogue.  Yeah, I know.

There's one thing that Supermom misses though.  The beauty of the village and community.  

"It takes a village to raise a child." --African Proverb

I love that African proverb.  I think it's so true.  I personally think it takes a village to do anything worthwhile for the Kingdom, especially related to families. 

We need a village to support us in our journeys through marriage in a divorce-minded culture.
We need a village to support us in our parenting Christ-loving, holiness-minded children of the living God.
We need a village.

And yet, we often don't like to ask for help.  We refuse help even.  We want to give the impression that we can do it all on our own.  But we really can't. There are times in our lives when help is imminent.  Right after the birth of a child; during the first trimester of a pregnancy; when we become ill; when someone we love has become ill, and on and on and on it goes.

We jump at the opportunity of helping others when their time arrives, yet cower back when it's our time and we refuse to admist we really do need the help.  Today, I want to challenge you to accept help when you so need it.  It doesn't mean you (or I) are not Supermoms, it means we're human and we've been specificially designed by our very intelligent and all-knowing God for community and partnership and relationship for one another.

the trouble with Pinetrest

writer's note: One of my bestest Mommy friends and I had a heart-to-heart last night on security. You know, how we place it on everything but Jesus.  So, we decided to link arms and write about the same thing, but from different perspectives. While I write about material security, she's writing about finding security in our physical beauty.  Hop on over to her blog and check it out!

I have a confession to make.

I have a latest obsession.  It's called Pinetrest.  You've never heard of it? Well click on that link right back there and get to Pinning!

Truthfully it's a blessing and a curse.  On one hand, I've been able to get so many great ideas on frugal decorating that I can make myself (which is awesome!) but on the other hand, I have quick access to pictures of others' homes that make me drool.

I even have a board called dream house.  I'm pathetic, I know... But, here's a peek. ;)

I drool everytime I see these pictures.  And then this ugly seed takes root in my heart... You may have heard of it.  It's called discontenment.  Suddenly I am so aware of how little our family has.  We live in a cramped cozy two bedroom apartment with two daughters, and about four closets full of junk.  Our walls are bare simplistic and our furniture is hand-me-down vintage. 

It's not that I'm not grateful or anything.  No, of course not.  It's just that, well... I know friends that have houses like these, or kitchens like that, or even... (gasp!) a beautiful library like that... How utterly unfair and ridiculous this all is.

So, I start praying.  That God grants to us a bigger house.  Because "God, we need it."  That God gives us a mini-van or some sort of larger vehicle.  Because, "well God, we really really need it."  And so on and so forth.

I have come to the realization and the ugly truth that I am most secure and confident when I've completed a diy home project and it's proudly displayed in whatever room of the house it belongs in.  I am most confident when friends come over and my home doesn't have that messy lived-in look.  In truth, I imagine myself confident with a living room like this...

A playroom like this...

 Or a guest room/chill room like this...

How absolutely pathetic. Throw tomatoes at me.  Boo me... I know, I know, keep it coming.

But like King Solomon declared all throughout Ecclesiastes, "Vanity, vanity, everything is vanity!"  I have to learn to find my security in Christ.  It's safe to say that God will never grant me those things with my heart in the condition it is.  It'll be the destruction of me.  And, it's pretty safe to say that deep inside, I know that none of those things will bring any form of security or confidence.  I find that in Christ alone.

"The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge..." -- Psalm 18:2

Yet Scripture exhorts us explaining to us that where your treasure is, there your heart will be also (Matthew 6:21).  My treasure is wrongfully placed in my home and my heart will break every time something minor goes off road, until I learn to be kingdom-minded.  Until I learn to set my eyes on eternity, on the heavenly just like 2 Corinthians exhorts us to do. 

My security is Christ alone.  He alone is a safe-place and refuge.  He alone is a rock and a fortress.  He alone can keep me safe.  My home may burn down and I may have to leave it behind someday, but if I am secure in His love, then I win. <3

a community of mommies

The baby's crying unconsolably.  The phone's ringing.  The big sister is hungry and has a hundred questions; oh, and the baby's crying stresses her out.  The water I was *attempting* to boil is now spilling over because it's been sitting there entirely too long set on high.  I am overwhelmed and I want to throw in the towel and cry.

prringg! A text message assaults my phone and my senses.  Angry at the interruption on my self-pity Mama-Friend writes "How's your day going?  Thinking about ya!"  And I break down.  It's friends like these and texts like these that keep me going. 

It was so completely insignificant, yet it touched my heart strings like few other things could.  I am convinced that old African Proverb was on to something.  You know, the one that says "It takes a village to raise a child."

But, I think it has less to do with everyone putting their hands in the cookie jar of parenting and more to do with the support a family needs to do the job properly.

I need encouragement.  I need a friend to call when I feel like I can't do this.  I need to know I'm walking alongside someone and that they are as imperfect as I am.  I need community.

And for the most part, I truly feel like I have it.  I am beyond blessed to have a wonderful pot of friendships from every different walk of life that I can trust and turn to for support, encouragement and a reciprocated efforts to them.  But I am starting to notice that this may not be norm. 

It is so important that we establish community amongst ourselves so that we remain safe and secure and accountable for our mothering, our wifeliness and our walks with the Lord. 

"He who separates himself seeks his own desire, He quarrels against all sound wisdom." (Prov. 18:1)
"Do not be deceived; Bad company corrupts good character." (1 Cor 15:33)

It is important we surround ourselves with good company.  Company who will speak Scripture into us and not allow us to dishonor our family in any way.  Company who will be bold and unashamed in their stance for righteousness and stir us to do the same. Company who will stir us to be like Christ and love and serve Him wholeheartedly.

I would encourage that you create a culture of community wherever you are.  Make yourself available and be open with both your sucesses and your failures. Make the first move and see what happens.  Encourage yourself in the Lord and practice sound wisdom.  Surround yourselves with godly women who will speak life and courage into you daily!

*this post is linked with Living Well Wednesdays