I kinda come in and out of this blogging world. I try to stay consistent, I do. But it's not secret that I'm one frazzled Mama of three little ones. I often get disappointed in myself for not writing as often as I want, or about kinda jumping in and out of here. It's not that I don't want to write nor that I don't have things to write about. Part of it is the frazzled Mama syndrome and the other part is just me processing and figuring how I'm going to make sense out of the little whispers my heart hears Jesus speak.
Lately me and Jesus have been talking a lot about my incessant striving. It seems I'm a person who can't just stop and be still. I'm always and constantly striving for acceptance; someone's, anyone's, everyone's acceptance. I don't say no and I tend to work at pleasing the crowd. My interest's in general and basic things tend to go with popular vote (by popular, I don't mean culture's popular-- I'm talking about my inner group of friends). I dress the way I think I'll look less like a geek which tends to put me in this terribly "safe" box where I actually hate most of what I own. I talk a lot just to prove I'm not a dork and I'm just as cool as the rest... which most of the time ends up backfiring as I over-talk and I show my true, uncool colors. What is that thing the Bible says? Oh yeah... "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks" (Matt 12:34)
I just don't want to be rejected. I hate being made fun of and I work at avoiding it at all costs.
But, there's a little bit of a big problem.
By nature and design I am a strange and eclectic individual. I'm not the type to be popular or cool. I've never really understood most "cool" behaviors, styles or general thought processes of the "cool" people I know. In school, I was strange. I was often the butt of jokes. It wasn't until high school when I learned how to "play the role" that I became semi-popular. I really wasn't popular, I just knew people. Most of the people I knew I credit to my amazingly cooler big sister (SHE is the definition of cool) and even among the group of friends we shared, I was the weird girl. I don't know what it is. I'm just weird. I'm strange and different and don't tend to fit the status quo, and I really really don't like it.
In essence, what I'm telling God is that I don't like me.
But lately, it seems I can do no right. I'm realizing that I'm never going to amount to the person my brain thinks I should be. Because that girl is an illusion and she is not me. She is not the person God intended me to be. I don't even know who that is or what she looks like. But I'd really like to know because He's telling me I should know. I think it's all a part of that "Cease striving and know I am God" thing He keeps talking to me about. When I stop working at gaining other's approval, I can know God. And at the end of the day, it's not about me. It's about knowing God. So that's what I'm doing. I'm letting go of my fear and just knowing God. If people make fun of me, if I remain an outsider for the rest of my life... He's pretty much worthy of it and at the end of it all I will have known God.