Post written while "out of commission" that I feel led to share now =)
I have to admit that I threw quite a tantrum Sunday night. I sat Sunday afternoon, quite upset, after spending all day at Church trying to find someone to watch our 16mo old for a few hours while I went to work. Finding a permanent babysitter a mere 10hrs/week has been quite a difficult struggle, and week-to-week, it's gotten tougher and tougher. So I am doing the dishes on Sunday and basic housework, pouting-- mostly to myself-- and whining before the Lord.
"I've babysat so many times before. You'd think I'd sown enough seeds to be able to reap babysitting when I need it."
"This is what I'm talking about Lord, I'm hidden. No one sees nor cares. No one's willing to live community style and sacrificially. I'm the only one."
"I'm so over everything and everyone... Why do I even try?"
Wha, Wha, Whaaa!
Then, in the midst of a quite the ungrateful, whiny, bratty heart, I feel His voice whisper to me... "Nicole, what is this situation revealing about your own heart?"
... Aaaand cue mortified, repentant heart.
"Yes Lord. I'm a whiny, ungrateful brat. Yikes! I'm sorry. You are good. You are still so very good. I don't love You for what You do, but for who You are. You are Holy and Perfect; You are Love and You are good! Please forgive me. I am so ungrateful before you."
Then I start to list everything I'm thankful for.
About 15mins later I get a text... The babysitter we'd originally really wanted agreed to spend some time with our littlest- and she'd bring her sister.
Score! "You really are good God."
About 35 minutes later, a friend who normally doesn't call is ringing my phone.
"Did you find a babysitter? I know that [enter man name here]'s a guy and all, but he offered to watch her for you in the Prayer Room. I told him how frustrated you were and he offered right away."
Be still my heart. Someone[s] really does care.
The next day, all goes well and my day is filled with peace knowing my little one was well taken care of.
I get a text-- "Do you care if other people do your laundry?"
Because, of course, my laundry room AND bedroom were ridiculously loaded with dirty laundry. Ummmmmm....
"No, but please don't!" I reply. I'm mortified she'd even see how horrible our laundry room was. Bleh.
I come home from work to a spotless house (even cleaner than I'd left it-- because yes, it was clean!). I see her swapping out a load from washer to dryer. Oy. Ok, ok. One load. We get to chatting and I'm so grateful to her. She leaves, I sit and play with the littlest and then go into our bedroom.
Oh. My. Gosh.
What the Husband and I had left in total dissarray was now immaculate. There were absolutely no clothes anywhere, besides on our bed, folded. That same bed was made, the floor vacuumed, and the furniture dusted. Dear Jesus. Be still my heart.
I didn't know what to think first... Horrific Mortification or Jubilant Rejoicing.
This is the kind of stuff I thought only happened to other people-- wow. Someone[s] cares. But dear God, how humiliating. My room was a mess. I mean, pig-sty mess. (Listen, we were recovering from a sick baby...)
So, right on cue, pregnant hormones go into overdrive and I start to cry-- hysterically. Because I'd just eaten a big ol', fat ol' piece of that good ol' recipe of Humble Pie. And man was it BI-tter going down. Mmmm.
Just the day before, I'd been ungrateful and complaining of just about everything. Finances, babysitter, husband, blah, blah, blah. And here I stood, having had my feet washed and dried after walking a mile in my own dung.
"Dear God, you really are good. How much I am in need of You!"
It is amazing how much one simple random act of kindness (and service) can break and annhiliate pride in an individual. Am I serving that way? Is my lifestyle declaring His goodness to those around me? Is my service being used to annhiliate whatever may hinder love in someone else? Dear God, I have a long way to go. But man am I thankful that You are good and You walk with me all the way.