Monday, July 18, 2011

I will be content

I am about to fit six extra people into our already crowded cozy two-bedroom apartment.  And I have to say, I'm slightly nervous.

As I was doing a massive overhaul of cleaning today (because of course, last week's cleaning in preparation for this blessed event was just that... last week's cleaning) I began to really question myself.  Why is it that I feel like I have to "put on a show" everytime family or guests come to visit? There is this unspoken pressure that causes me to perform, act, you know... Make sure the house really sparkles and shines. I don't fully understand it.  It's not like my family or guests have ever complained about my living arrangements.  It's not like they've ever made me feel nor mentioned any form of distaste towards what and how I do what I *try* to do. 

But, there it is.  Everytime family and guests come.  That ugly monster peeks its head and I become an insecure teenager again.  Except this time, it's not about the zit on my forehead, it's about the hiccup in decorating style or small living quarters I have to offer

The mature, sensible part of me screams, "That's just silly!"  But the very human side of me struggles to find contenment in my surroundings and myself.  We go back to that upside down way of our society.

I don't mean to sound like a broken record, but the closer I get to Christ, the more I see how utterly backwards our society is.  We seek for more things and bigger things but forsake the One Thing. That one thing that Paul count everything as loss, for the sake of knowing It.  Here I am, worried that my tiny cozy apartment won't be enough, but it's all I have to offer.  It's all I've been given to steward and my heart and mind must find contenment in it.  I'm drawn away by more and forget that He is my provider and He provides according to our needs and His wisdom.

I will set my heart on Christ and learn the meaning of contenment.  I will live simply so that I can simply live life more abundantly hidden in Christ.  I will remind myself that He decides how much I should steward and find joy, contenment and peace there.

And if someone else chooses to judge me for it... Well then, so be it.

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