Tuesday, April 10, 2012

my secret confession.

I have a secret.

I am an insanely insecure mom. 

Seriously. Every hour of every minute, of every moment of my life since becoming a mother has been weighed down by the question-- am I doing this mothering thing right?

I worried incessantly as a newborn whether I was holding my daughter too much, then I condemned myself for not having breastfed (yes, I wanted to. yes, I tried. yes, I failed), then I worried about whether she had too much, or too little.  I worry now as a toddler whether my discipline methods are proper and biblical-- whether they'll produce the harvest in her little heart I desperately desire for her.  I worry as to how much time I spend away from her; having transitioned from a stay-at-home mama to a stay-at-home AND working mama.  I worry. All the time.

I really really want to be a good mom.  I really really want to be the Proverbs 31 in every sense of the way and at the end of my life, I really really want my husband and children to rise up and call me blessed.

I really really want to stand at the end of my life before my Maker and hear the words from His lips; "well done, my good and faithful servant" when it comes to the stewardship of my children, my marriage and my home.

But in this worry-- in the constant seeking of affirmation, approval and counsel from older women (as Titus 2 instructs us) I have found that most of the counsel I have received have left me increasingly worried that I am just not doing a good job.  If I don't stay home; if I don't homeschool (which we intend to and desire to); if I don't baby-wear; if I don't breastfeed; if I don't nurse; if I don't, if I don't, if I don't... then my child is ruined forever.

I am slowly but surely learning that parenting, marriage and home-making is much like anything else in life.  It comes down to the heart.  If I choose to have children, then leave them simply because I prefer a career to the shepherding of my children't heart-- then I am indeed being a poor steward of the gift Christ has given to me in the little life I call my child.  If I depend on other's gentle touch and hands to mold my children for me while I am away tending to self-seeking and capricious motives, then indeed, I am being a poor steward.

But if your heart longs to please our God of kindness by obedience and faithful instruction of our hearts first and then our children's, then He is faithful to complete the work He has started in us as mothers, wives, homemakers and women. Once again, I learn that it is about letting go and trusting His goodness, His faithfulness not only towards us, but towards our children.

Are you an insecure mom? What are you most insecure about and how can we encourage you to Scripturally obey and lay down that worry or concern before the throne of grace?

No comments:

Post a Comment